World 4: Mass Effect

CHRONICLE ONE: SAGA OF THE JUMPER

JUMP 4: A JUMPER’S WRATH

Previous: Return of the Mon

Theme Song: Fight Song by Rachel Platten

Document

If I hadn’t known what setting I was going into when I woke up the next morning to demands of breakfast from both Zane and the council of Pokemons (and a polar bear and a puffin… the polar bear having learned not to try and eat any of the others), I knew what it was within the first moment as I saw the array laid out in the middle of the warehouse… I’d used many of the beach stones and sand to create a low round mound in the dead center of all that space and there, in middle of it was the selection array as I thought of it. Gone was the card table with the plastic punchbowl and the pamphlets. The selection array this time was a group of standies, lifesize cardboard cutouts of Kaidan Alenko, Liara T’soni, Garrus Vakarian, Tali-Zorah, Urdnot Wrex, and Mordin Solus. Together, they were flanking a touch screen that said, at the top, in that nice clean Mass Effect Font, ‘RACES’.

I assume there were other choices, but screw that! Blueskinned lesbianoids? I was sooo there! Plus, the other choices were all icky. Salarians? Too short lived! Turians?All jerks! Krogans? Way too many testicals! Quarians? Those suits! Humans? Yerg. Been there, done that.

The screen went blank and ‘You have selected Asari. The lifespan of an Asari is upto one thousand Terran Standard Years. Do you wish to randomly generate an age between one hundred and eight hundred? You may skip this step and choose freely for 100 Credits.’ appeared in place of the races and their descriptions.

I opted not to waste my points on such meaningless frippery as age. I had no desire to remain in this universe after the ten year stint was up. It was not a setting with great long-term prospects… though it did have potential for some very dangerous hijinks.

The screen cleared and was replaced with two digital wheels that interlocked, one showing ages and the other locations. I tapped the spin button and they spun to life, whirling so fast I actually felt wind despite the fact that they were images not physical wheels. And then I hit the stop button, revealing that I’d ended up a 212 year old Asari from Thessia named ‘Enter Name Here!’. I thought about that for a minute, then typed in ‘Sara Jo’Nas’. Thessia was a good choice. Excellent in fact. I’d always wanted to explore the Asari Homeworld and see all the strippers.

The screen cleared, replaced with Origins, five choices. Drop-In, Merc, Warrior, Outlaw, and Merchant. I tapped my chin and commented to Zane who was watching from the sidelines and eating my store of popcorn… nothing ever went stale in my warehouse, thankfully… but I really wasn’t certain time passed inside it when I wasn’t there. “I like the Asari… they’re fascinating… so advanced, so oversexed… but so… I dunno, stuffy?” Zane grunted, having no idea what I was talking about. “Drop-In would be a bad idea, as I have no idea how to be an Asari. Warrior and Merchant… they’re part of the establishment… I’d like to be… hmmm… an Outlaw! Yes! Excellent! I work outside the crushing restrictions of tradition and scoff at the annoying ‘Council’. Is all about the credits baby! Plus, I have a scarf. Time to get my thief on!” [100/900/1000].

Zane commented, “And you say I’m silly? What does a scarf have to do with being a thief?”

“It’s a Sneak Scarf, remember? I wore it all the time back in… you’re just being a doofus.”

“Nope. Don’t remember any scarf… it must have been hiding.”

I stuck my tongue out at him, then turned back to the screen, only to discovered that it had changed again. “Oooo, classes… mmmm… Don’t want to be Biotic. That relies on Element Zero and there’s no guarantee I’d be able to use it outside this World… plus… not a big fan of implants. So… combat or tech… ooo, Combat and Tech! Infiltrator it is! Totally not playing up the ‘traitor’ part. Lessee ‘Tech-savvy with martial skills, stealth takedowns, specialized ammo, explosives, cloaking… nice. I’m sold. Wait, why can’t I push the button… fuck… fuck… awww… that’s no fun! Frickin Asari can only be Adepts or Sentinels? That’s it? Shit… wasn’t Samara a damned Vanguard? Awww, poo.. Fuck it, what happens if I keep pressing the button….”

“You should play by the rules,” a voice said. At first I thought it was Zane.

“Don’t wanna,” was my considered and well reasoned comeback.

“But Asari are all Biotics.” Ah. Not Zane. Quick. Coming from the screen.

“So? Two classes? That’s it? Not even all three of the Biotics? Come on, this is lame. It’s like… AD&D 2nd. Humans get all six but the others are all-”

“You’re going to lecture me until I give in, aren’t you?” the screen asked.

“Yes.”

There was an overly dramatic sigh, then Infiltrator shifted from greyed out to selectable blue. “Fine. Be a damned Infiltrator. But don’t come crying to me because you’ve got no Biotics training.”

“I… ummm… hmmm… okay. I won’t. I still get basic Biotic Potential because I’m Asari, right?”

“Yess… but I’m charging you [50/850/1000] for it… and all the other Asari will think you’re weird for not embracing your Biotics more. They’re going to mock you for being weak.”

“Fine. I can cope.” I said, pretending to pout. Then a thought occurred to me. “Hey, while I’ve got you here, I have a question.”

“Is it going to annoy me?” the screen asked. It was kind of weird talking to something with no face that still managed, somehow, to emote. And I don’t mean its voice carried emotion. I’ve been using a phone for decades. No, the screen somehow… conveyed emotion even without a single pixel visibly changing. Very odd.

“Maybe? I dunno. Anyway… this is the first time I’m going to a place with a plotline I know… in depth,” I pointed out.

“And?”

I considered how to ask what I was pondering, then just gave a mental shrug and figured my best would have to do. “So, like… this setting isn’t the most ‘a tiny butterfly could change everything’ since it’s based on a fairly flexible action matrix… but it does have scripted elements. How likely is it that I’m going to distort events just by existing?”

“Your existence will be factored into the events that are to transpire.”

I thought about that, then asked the next (and most obvious) question, “And if I take action? If I move about? Talk to people? What then?”

“I assume you’re asking whether or not you can change things, and if you change one thing if it will then have profound unintended consequences on the storyline?”

“Ummm… yeah.” I agreed. “Pretty much.”

“There is no simple answer for your question, but in general, if you change a thing that happens, it will have the kind of natural ramifications you could expect the event to have… but it won’t (in and of itself) change details that don’t directly follow. A scripted event in the future cannot be disrupted simply by you taking a wrong step, and unless saving someone or killing someone would naturally lead to them disrupting the future scene, it won’t.”

“So if, say, in Harry Potter, if I kill Umbridge before book 5, everything she does in the series would be cancelled out… but if I save Cedric in book 4, it doesn’t mean that Harry and Ginny will have two daughters instead of two sons?”

“Irrelevant to the current setting, but yes.”

“And if I do disrupt things by, say, changing some major event… say, by killing Lucius Malfoy during the course of Book 1? Would that stop the events of Book 2? The unleashing of the Basilisk and exposure of Genny to the Diary?”

“It depends.”

“On what?”

“A scripted event will only fail to happen if you have rendered it impossible to happen… or, rather, made a concerted effort to render it extremely unlikely to happen at all. As long as you have left a clear narrative path for something to occur, the force of narrative inertia will persist in attempting to make it happen.”

“Well, that’s good to know. So I can change things if I try, but if I don’t try to change it, it’s not likely to change on its own. Does that apply to my companions as well?”

“Of course… as well as your pets and any random creature you unleash upon an unsuspecting universe.”

“Wow. Such confidence.”

“You’ve used your Masterballs to collect… creatures. I have no doubt you will continue to do so without regard for the potential calamity if one were to escape or be released.”

I shrugged. “Mmm… probably.” Then I looked to Zane who had been frozen in time during the conversation I’d had with Quick the Display Screen and, when he resumed blinking, I did a mad little caper. “Woo! Infiltrator Asari… they’ll never see me coming. Disruptor Ammo, Incinerate, Cryo Ammo, Sabotage, Tactical Cloak, Sticky Grenade, Proficiency with Pistols, Sniper Rifles, SMGs, and Heavy Weapons. Yay! No shotguns! Hate shotguns… damn… which version of the setting am I going into… the infinite Ammo one or the other one. Says Heavy Weapons… shit, that probably means Stupid Mass Effect 2 version. Damn. Maybe I can find some ME1 guns lying about. Let’s see, System says I get one minor biotic ability… Eh… let’s go with ‘Pull’.” I could already blast things away from me with Ice or Fire or Hyperbeam… I needed some good old fashioned Jedi yanking.

After that it was Perk Time! What time is it? PERK TIME! “Let’s see, how do I more badass myself… Mmmm… Well, Tactical Readiness is discounted for Infiltrators… heh. Nfiltr8rsss…” I sighed. Zane is infectious… that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. “Tactical Readiness… instinctively keep track of your surroundings, assess situation, find escape routes, be paranoid… naw… too pricey, too mind fuck.”

“What is fuck?” Zane asked.

“Never you mind, buddy boy. Never you mind,” I wagged a finger at him admonishingly, then kept looking… I’d switched to the Gear screen somehow and was about to switch back when I noticed ‘Assistant VI’. VI’s were Virtual Intelligences, nearly self-aware pseudo AIs. Did I want one of them? What would I… Ooo, yes, she could keep track of my insane number of files and bring up the right audiobook… speaking of, there better be good fiction in this universe because I’ve already read everything I’d brought with me twice… Even the stuff I picked up in Infamous-Verse. [100/750/1000]

Back to the Perks! “Hmmm… Tongue of a Shepherd…” according to the description it would literally allow me to talk people into shooting themselves in the head… I did have some problems last couple of worlds with getting people to listen to me. “It’s pricey, but… yeah, let’s go with some serious verbal buttkicking!” [500/250/1000]

“You can’t kick someone in the butt with words,” Zane said, “That’s not how words work… or kicking. Have you been eating spoiled berries again?”

“They weren’t spoiled! They were fermented! And no, I’m not drunk! Hah! But Now I can convince people to jump off bridges!”

“Why would you wanna do that?”

“Eh. Better to have the skill than not, right?” I said with a shrug, then explained. “Some of the people in this world are really really bad people Z… more than old Gengar even.”

Zane looked dubious. Gengar was pretty bad… for a kids game villain.

I left Zane to pondering how that was possible and turned back to the Gear section! Gear, my old friends! Free stuff first… Basic Armor with Kinetic Barrier, Basic Weapon of each type I’m proficient with… have to test this new Sniper Rifle against my old standby… It hasn’t seen that much use over the last ten years… but Monkey Fingers still can pull triggers. Don’t tell anybody, but that’s why Gengar kept fainting all the time. Bang, Headshot. Omni-Tool… cool. Wonder how well it will interface with my Pokegear. Should be interesting. It is Omni, right? Right?

What else? Conflict Materials? Ooo rare elements, massive stash… funds! Yes please. [100/150/1000], Medi-Gel Kit? 20 Doses doesn’t seem like much, but… MOTHER FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS to make more? Yes please times fifty! Fuck, Cerberus didn’t even have instructions on how to make more Medi-Gel! Booyah! [50/100/1000]… ooooh… speaking of instructions to make more, could I combine my Tracking system with my Omni-Tool? Must find out. Hmmm… Weapons Locker? Mid to High Grade Weapons… enough to outfit a Battalion? 500 goddamned sets of weaponry? Shit, [200/-100/1000] Credits in the baaaank! er… slot… er… fuck. SOLD!

Crap… Crap… the system was buzzing at me; I’d overspent. “Shit… ummm… let’s see, what’s worth 100 in the way of Drawbacks? Is that what we’re calling them now? Fine! Drawbacks it is!” Maybe I was drunk… didn’t remember drinking anything “Well, what’s worth more? Reaper’s Eye… ack… being on the Reaper’s Radar at all sounds all kinda bad. No Takers… haven’t gotten laid in more than fifteen years…  what’s another ten? Could take that… but damn it! I’m a sexy Asari Babe! I want Lesbonics! What happens on Thessia stays on Thessia, right?”

“Nooo?” Zane hazarded a guess. He wasn’t at all certain what Lesbonics was (probably figured it was another of my made up Legendaries) and had even less idea what Thessia was since he wasn’t exactly paying attention and I wasn’t exactly explaining.

“Bounty… been there, done that. Rogue AI? Fuck no. That would be worse than Zubats. Red Tape… bleh. Paperwork goes against my Criminal Code. What’s this… Shepard’s Flock? Wait… I take this and I get sucked into the whole plotline mess? Well, fuck… that’ll save loads of time tracking Shepard down and making sure someone kicks Reaper Butt. [-100/0/1000] Wonder if she’ll be a Paragon or a Renegade? Will she be into Asari? Fingers crossed, fingers crossed.

Everything was locked in, and the system said I could insert whenever I was ready, but a clock appeared on the screen, counting down from six days, twenty hours, and fifty-one minutes. Was there really any reason to stick around in a big empty void for longer than I had to? Sure, I could play with Ziggy… but I hadn’t been told that my pets were locked out of this World, so I was betting I could use RayRay to fuck up some Batarians if I wanted to. I wondered if Reapers were Electric Steel or Dark Steel? Well, soonest started, soonest done and all that. I hit the Insert Now icon, then the confirm icon… and the world went neon blue. That was a first.

INSERTION

I woke up, head throbbing, naked, memories of a lifetime three times longer than all my other lifetimes combined pouring into my consciousness. I groaned, rolled onto my side… and bumped into something solid. I opened my bleary eyes, wondering what the hell I’d drunk, when I realized I was lying next to the biggest damned Krogan ever. Well, mostly on top of him actually. His eyes opened, twinkling with a familiar gleam.

“I evolved AGAIN!” he bellowed, throwing his arms to the ceiling.

I groaned. Zane… the fucking Krogan. “Shit…” I said, then blinked. “Why are you naked?”

He grinned! “I think we had sexy time! Will you lay an Egg Now?

I shuddered, wincing at the physical discomfort and rapidly healing bruises that informed me that, yes, it seemed highly likely we’d… err… “It doesn’t count!” I insisted. “That’s what these bodies did before we got into them, got it?”

He laughed, a deep booming laugh. “Sure thing… Fire Monkey. Ooo… Monkey… I understand that word now. Monnnnkeeee… And Puppy! You used to call me Puppy! A small dog. Hah! I’m not small anymore!” He set me down as he stood, grinning like a goon, as he flexed. “I am Krogaaaan! I am… hmmm… Krogan! Wait, what’s a Shotgun… oooo, that sounds cool! It’s like my Bullet Punch… but longer range! We gotta go shoot something!”

I sighed, rolling out of bed and staggering into the bathroom, looking for clues as to where we were. Was this home? No… hotel, I decided, seeing the tiny soaps and monogrammed towels. Decent one too, I thought as I ran my fingers over the fabric. The water was arctic… but that’s cause I set it there, feeling the intense chill soaking into me, filling my reserves. Out of curiosity, I tried to use some of that power to generate fire. It wasn’t easy, but it worked. I opened the shower door and tried to use some stored Icepower to pull the towel over. That worked too, but again, there was a lag. I could shift between internal power pools… but it wasn’t easy. I was going to have to work on this. Three pools was too much… and if I gained more, I wasn’t going to be able to keep track of everything, even with my intellect. And that was before I got into things like mana or psi powers… or the Force! I wonder if there was a Star Wars World Document… or a Dune World Document? Oh momma! I began making a list of all the places I wanted to go… it was quite long.

Zane stepped into the shower with me. “Did you use up all the hot water?” he asked, then grinned, “You’re sooo tiny!” I punched him, making him double over. “But… but not weak,” he groaned.

“Right. Remember that. I’m still… fuck… what the hell was my name here again?” I concentrated, my migraine easing… “Ah… I am Sara Jo’Nas. That’s almost human. Okay. and you are?”

Zane pouted. “I’m Zane! How could you forget?”

I sighed. “Right. I was just wondering if you’d gotten a new name in this world, you big lunk.”

Zane grinned. “I may be a lunk, but I’m also a Hunk!”

I groaned “Shut up and get clean. I’m starving and we need to figure out how to get to the Citadel and become a Spectre. Preferably before Shepard and Saren start tearing up… orrr… we could get the jump on things and head right for… no… better not. Let things come to us. Let’s see…” I plucked up an Omni-tool, but it was Zanes. I dropped it and grabbed the other one, pulling it onto my arm. “According to my memories, it’s… damn… VI, what year is this in the Human Calendar?”

“It is the Human Year 2181 of Christ.” I almost asked who the fuck Christ was, before I actually remembered. Spend ten years as Pokemon, and then get 212 years of Asari Memories… okay, 203… couldn’t remember much for the first 9 years of this lifetime, despite my perfect memory… and you begin having trouble with Earth Cultural References. Jesus Christ was as alien to my consciousness at this point as… as… Arceus. No, even vaguer, since even when I’d been human I’d never worshipped JC, and I’d actually spent 10 years believing Arceus was, in fact, God the Creator. Was Arceus Yahweh? Huh. Maybe. But that wasn’t important. I didn’t exactly have any Master Balls left… wait… What was that the VMoD had said? I’d continue capturing creatures in the future? With Master Balls? I’d used them all… hadn’t I? “VI, can you access my Warehouse?”

“Yes Sara Jo’Nas, I can.”

“Do you know what is inside it?”

“Yes Sara Jo’Nas. There are-” the disembodied voice began, but I cut it off.

“First off, you can call me ma’am or EssJay or Sara. You don’t have to say my full name and it’s probably better if you don’t. Also, if you’re addressing me, you don’t have to say my name at all unless you’re trying to get my attention. Second, what should I call you?”

“You may call me whatever you like. I am currently VI-24601.”

“Riiight. Cute. Hmmm. I think I’ll call you VIctoria. Sound good?”

“I have no opinion on the matter, EssJay. Would you like me to continue reading off the list of everything in your warehouse?”

“No. Just tell me… Are there three Master Balls in there?”

“Negative. There are eleven.”

“Eleven? Explain.”

“Nine are unoccupied and on shelf number X33-Delta in a blue tub marked ‘Tools and Accessories’. The other two are currently housing the pokemon designated RayRay and Dynamo Deoxys.”

“Huh… interesting…” I distinctly remembered breaking open their balls to release them in Infamous, partly to test their loyalty to me and partly because there wasn’t a pokecenter around to heal them at any way and mostly because there wasn’t a law requiring me to keep my pets inside their balls except in certain designated areas or during battles. “VIctoria… tell me… is time currently passing inside the Warehouse?”

“Negative. You may activate the passage of time if you like, but it will pass at the rate of one year for every ten years you experience. Do you desire to do so now?”

“No… No thank you. Maybe later. VIctoria, this is Zane, he is an authorized user, but if he asks you to do anything stupid, you can ignore him.” I yelped as he swatted me with a towel, then turned to look at him. “Now that that’s settled… We’ve got two years to become Spectres… well.. 18 months. Can’t be that hard, right?”

“I have faith in you, babe!”

“Great.”

Turns out that, yes, when you can convince people of practically anything and can throw a fully armored Krogan Battlemaster around with ease, convincing the Council to make you a Spectre is, in fact, relatively easy. In fact, the only real challenge I faced in that period was from some of the hardcore traditionalists among the Asari who claimed my tactics were “Unorthodox” and my family line was “Unimportant” and my past was “Unsavory”. I could have made a joke about how they needed to vary their vocabulary, but it wouldn’t work in the dominant Asari languages.

Okay, okay, I had one other minor problem… Zane. You know how Krogan have four… well… you know? They have a sex drive to match… and Zane wasn’t picky. At all. Or genetically near-sterile, something I had to keep very quiet. Every damned time he got near a female Krogan I’d have to spend half a day hunting him down and he’d always just give me that shit-eating grin and shrug. Same with practically any Asari who showed the slightest interest… or any human who seemed like she’d like to ride the Krogan Warpony… yes, he really called it that. Of course, sometimes he’d transform back into his Lucario form and pretend to be a member of an unknown alien race called the Primordials on a mission to experience ‘Human’-Lovemaking (and by Human, read Quarian, Turian, Salarian, or Asari). I cannot believe how many females fell for that one.

I, of course, used my Infernape form for more… sensible things. Like infiltration, grand theft, and sabotage. Also for playing a near unending series of pranks on Saren. Little jerk, totally deserved it. Considered killing him more than once, but decided that would throw too much of a butterfly into the works, and driving him batshit crazy with my jokes… and the occasional flaming poo (flaming monkey, flaming poo)… was sooo worth it.

I also considered looking up Shepard, just to see what she was like in this universe, but I decided to be surprised. I did hunt down all, and I do mean, all, of Shepard’s eventual companions and get to know them as well as can be expected. Okay, not all, not EDI or Legion who don’t strictly speaking exist yet, but the rest… yeah. Even Jack and Javik. Finding them was trickier than I’d thought it would be, since neither Pragia nor Eden Prime are exactly small planets… but… I have a way of making people talk, and knew what I was looking for. Jack was easy to convince to join me. This was 3 years earlier in her timeline and she wasn’t quite as… angry, but the promise of revenge against Cerberus was all it took. Javik was more interesting, but, giant git that he is, convincing him to get revenge on the Reapers wasn’t exactly hard. Zaeed and Kasumi and Thane weren’t hard to find in my line of work. Can’t say as I was friends with any of them, aside from maybe Grunt. He’s fun to party with. He and Zane got along pretty good… after the fist fight. Though Zane is bigger, Grunt is… mean.

I did give myself a special mission around the year mark. I stole the plans for the Normandy. Took them to some underworld connections, calling on Spectre status, and got not one, not two, but five of them made. Asari VI, Turian Shields, Salarian sensors, Krogan Weaponry. While that was going on, I worked on Miranda, trying to get closer to the workings of Cerberus… or at least in a position to be able to do so in a few more years.

Still, things were ticking along like clockwork until that idiot Shepard showed up. Small minded, rockjawed, git. Imagine if Mass Effect was played by the biggest Bro in the universe. Ramp that up higher and you’ve got it. Cross the worst possible Renegade Shepard with Duke Nukem and you’ve got him pegged. Soldier, Marine, Sole Survivor straight down the line. Creativity of a rock. Total Murderhobo. Acted like his controller was on a goddamned speed run. Watching him work was like… watching a machine. I’d seen Geth with more involvement… but he was death incarnate to anything standing in the way of his objective.

Zane and I joined the fray, not really part of Shepard’s team, but close enough to steer him, and close enough to clean up his messes. Good thing about this not being a game? No party size limit. Second best thing about this not being a damned game? Being able to rescue Ashley when Signore Rockjaw went to save Kaidan. Sure, she was a racist, but I figured I could bring her around in more ways than one.

Bad thing about this not being a game? The concept of “Take your Time” didn’t exist. Events keep unfolding, and unfolding fast. I had to cover for Shepard on Feros while he was off saving X57 from hijackers, and while the game makes it seem easy to deal with, Thorians are anything but, especially not with the Geth running around. Still, can’t say it wasn’t fun in an utterly terrifying kind of way. Thorian went into a ball, along with the Rachni Queen and a couple Thresher Maws.

Still, the best part of the first attack on the Citadel? Laying in wait for Saren as he came through from Ilos… and knowing that, together Shepard and I had managed to convince the council to set a trap for Sovereign. I wasn’t there to witness it, as I was busy shooting Saren in the head over and over again, but the videos of 6 Normandy’s absolutely shredding Sovereign had me chuckling for days. I don’t think the Geth fleet knew what hit them. Mostly trashed Sovereign went into a ball. Let him suffer at 3HP for a while.

But then began the racing clock. Two more years until Mass Effect 2’s events. I had to be in place before then. My successes (and my ability to convince people to do insane things) allowed me to authorize a totally black shipyard. We were laying down foundations left, right, and center, and I was using my contacts (Okay, mostly Zane’s contacts) within the Krogan community, promising them that if they helped crew my secret Black Fleet, they’d get the cure they’d been desperate for. Toss in as many Asari, Quarians, and even Humans as I could pull in, and the fleet was soon growing as fast as I could crew the damned ships. Getting a few of the older Asari Admirals to sign on was the hard part, but I managed. I wanted to teach the Reapers just how bad an idea facing actually prepared forces was going to be. I have a thing against genocidal assholes and this time I wasn’t going to just run and hide.

But doing all this would be meaningless if I couldn’t deal with Cerberus, and so, with the fleet well begun, I went after Jack Harper, aka The Illusive Man. Finding him was a challenge, but taking him out would have been too easy. I needed him alive… for now. But that didn’t stop me from beginning to undermine his control of his organization from within. I introduced Ashley… whom I’d gotten to know quite well by now… to Miranda, and convinced the two that they might enjoy a working relationship that could benefit both. I arranged for the Illusive Man to hire my friends Tali and Kasumi in various positions. I needed my pawns all lined up.

I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that things played out differently in the end. Mass Effect Relays were… tampered with, their exit points into key systems carefully recalibrated for ships in certain mass ranges, and mine fields constructed. Large numbers of Geth were liberated and turned against their former masters… And the Black Fleet was lying in wait as the Reapers came out of jump near Earth, believing they’d destroyed the First Fleet at Charon Relay. Did you know that these people had never even dreamed up the concept of the self contained missile pod? Load a few hundred thousand contact nukes into 10th generation spaceborne IPBMS and slave them all to a small nimble frigate loaded with fire control. Shields? What Shields? Energy barriers powerful enough to tank a thousand 5-gigaton contact nukes just don’t exist in this universe. The devastation was brutal, sudden, and merciless. Cerberus, taken down from within months earlier, had been absorbed into the Shadowbroker’s network and Krogan and Geth assault pods were waiting for the Reapers near Thessia and Palaven. The Reapers never knew what hit them as their dreadnoughts began exploding one by one.

I stood in the heart of the Citadel, the secret heart, and smiled at the Catalyst. All its external systems were offline for the time being, having been sabotaged very carefully in preparation for this. Behind us, the bulk of a massive semi-spherical object was closing the final kilometers before it could dock with the Citadel as it had been designed to.

“Organic Lifeforms are a virus. What did you expect, you stupid machines. We adapt, we grow. You are static. And uncreative.”

“The cycle will continue, you cannot stop it.”

“Oh, I can’t, can I? Say hello to Vivian. Oh. Right. You don’t know Vivian. Know what happens when you give a VI access to all of recorded fiction, not just Human, but Asari, Krogan, Salarian, Batarian, Turian… and a dozen minor species?”

“Negative. But irrelevant. Your ‘Crucible’ can only be used three ways and predictive software indicates that you will be unwilling to take any of those options. Shephard might have, but you seem to have arranged for him to be elsewhere?”

“Crucible… right… right… you and I both know the Crucible was originally nothing but a massive energy source designed to fry all you fuckers. But the answer to my question was this. They become a massive geek. And know what happens when you plug that VI into a nearly unlimited amount of Omni-Gel? And then tell it that a bunch of evil psychotic Machine Intelligences want to destroy all the nice people who make all her favorite vids, comics, books, stories… etc?”

The energy being that represented the totality of the Reaper consciousness looked worried for once. “You have deliberately created an insane rogue AI with unlimited processing power? You are mad. She will destroy you as well as us.”

“Yeah? I don’t think so. See, I was very specific with her core heuristics. She values creative species. She likes creative species… she wants to protect and nurture creative species. When someone threatens all the creative species… She gets really, really angry. Know what happens when you plug a giant technorganic brain obsessed with the popular culture of a couple hundred worlds and powered by the Crucible into the Reaper Neural network?”

“You… you cannot. We contain the essence of thousands of cultures, all perfectly preserved. You would be destroy-” It never got a chance to finish. Imagine plugging Spock into endless reruns of Sailor Moon. I swore, in that moment, as a purple beam of energy lanced out of the Citadel and into the entire mass relay network that I could hear the BDS of the remaining Reapers echoing across the Galaxy. I smiled. It was a good day to be an organic sophont. 

“Fuck the past,” I said, spitting in the wildly twitching Catalyst’s image’s face. “This is for the future. A future that doesn’t have you assholes in it.”

The next few years were… clean up. They weren’t pretty. The Batarians had been hit hard, as had some of the other races, and liberating them from the few remaining Reapers who had managed to isolate their systems from the constant barrage of Entertainment Warfare was no picnic. And of course the Mass Relay system and Citadel had to be completely dismantled and rebuilt, free of the Reaper’s control.

Still, it was nice to save the day for once, and not in a setting like Pokemon where no one could really die… except when they did… never understood that. But this time the Universe was ready for the Space-nazis… and I got to gloat as they burned. And gloat in style. In my downtime I’d upgraded my battery farm, my appliances, my personal vehicles… my freezers. AC & Heating? Taken care of. Swimming Pool installed. Atmospheric processing and a force shield plus turrets installed over the main doors slash portal access point. Robotic sorting system installed. Shelves upgraded. Storage systems upgraded. 22nd century Rombas… acquired. Tech shop upgraded with really snazzy tools I still had almost no idea how to use. But I’d done ALL the shopping and it was finally time to go.

Finding a beach wasn’t hard. I picked Virmire. It’s a lovely planet. Really. Based on some Thai islands I think… Zane and I watched the sunset and I smirked at him “So… you’ve lived two lives now. Which did you enjoy more?”

He considered, then smirked back. “Had a lot more sex in this one. Got shot a lot more too. This was fun. But more complicated. We should go someplace calmer next time. Less Genocidal Maniacs.”

I just laughed “I don’t control these things… but so far, every life I’ve lived except the one you’re from… all of those worlds had Genocidal Maniacs.”

“Isn’t that like… three? Three worlds? Out of five?”

I shrugged. “Something like that.”

So yeah, the Pillars came, and yada yada yada. No big surprises this time. VIctoria had reinstalled her core matrix in my Omni-Gear (Omni-Tool / Pokegear / Pokedex hybrid) and we’d renamed the much bigger and more obsessive half of her VIvian because I like themes. Got to keep them, one on my arm, one as the brain of the Warehouse. Asked if I could keep one of the Blackstars (fourth generation heavy combat Normandies that I’d had constructed for the Black Fleet and named in honor of Babylon 5’s Whitestars.) Was told the request wasn’t unusual. Wasn’t much of an answer, but… I wasn’t expecting much. Still, snagged a Mako. Love those things. Mine had improved jump thrusters… and a rollbar.

Oh, and apparently we get to keep our new forms as well, so now Zane and I each have three. Excellent. Can’t wait to explain to Legolas that a Krogan is not an Orc.

Next: Docking & Housing

Resources: Build, Document

If you like what I do, please consider supporting me on Patreon.

OMAKE: If Ziggy Jumped ME

“Ziggy is good ziggy. Momma say so. Momma smart. Momma gives treats. But invisible man say momma is gone danger place. Ziggy want protecc Momma! Ziggy go danger place and bite danger and be good Ziggy and get treats!

Invisible man say okay. Give Ziggy many puzzles. Knock over most dangerous enemy! All look like could be scary… but one is a people… people sometimes hurted momma in the place after home. Ziggy pounces and bites… but is only pizzabox stuff, not real peoples.

“Sooo, you want to be a human, little Ziggy?”

“Ziggy is Ziggy!

“Right… well, you can be a human Ziggy.”

“If Ziggy is a muman, will momma give hugs and treats?”

“Mmm probably not.”

“Can Ziggy stay Ziggy?”

“Sure.”

“YAAY! But Ziggy still gets to protecc momma, yes?”

“Yes.”

“YAY! What is momma being protecc from?”

“Batarians, and Geth, and Reapers… and Criminals, Mercenaries, and Traitors.”

“Are they squeaky?”

“Do you want them to be squeaky?”

“Ziggy not know… Squeakies are dangerous. ZIggy proteccs momma from them all the time.”

“Very well, you shall protect EssJay from the Squeaky Geth and Squeaky Reapers.”

“Who is EssJay?”

“Ah… sorry. EssJay is Momma.”

“Momma is momma!”

“Yes, but Momma’s name is EssJay, just like Ziggy’s name is Ziggy.”

“Ziggy confuzzed.”

“Yes, well… that does happen.”

“It does?”

“Yes. Now, where would you like to be?”

“With Momma!”

“Right, right… Thessia… should have guessed. Now, how would you like to protect momma?”

“With Bitings and Leapings and Clawings and… ummm… Double-edge and Fury Swipes… and Hyper Beam and… and Belly DRUM!”

“So… Marine then? Soldier… yes. That sounds good.”

“Ziggy is not a fish.”

“No. I… what?”

“Ziggy not Marine. Marine is water… Ziggy just swim good.”

“Riiight… Perks?

“Are Perks Treats?”

“Yes, but you can’t eat them. They’re more like… comfy bedding.”

“Ziggy likes bed. Bed is for sleeps. Ziggy is good at sleeps.”

“Fearlessness?”

“Ziggy doesn’t afraid of anything!”

“Right. Doesn’t. That’s how language works. Tactical Readiness? What are you doing?”

“Ziggy is being followed.”

“That’s your tail…. No… don’t… you just bit yourself… not tactical readiness… Supportive Mindset… that sounds better… though I shudder to think of you in command of a group.”

“Ziggy shudders too!”

“I’m certain… Close the Distance… up close and personal is clearly your forte.”

“Ziggy can’t count that high.”

“I… what?”

“Forte is number. Ziggy knows numbers. Ziggy can count to… umm… what comes after three?”

“Four?”

“Ziggy can count to FOUR!”

“So happy for you. I suppose it doesn’t matter to you that you have 350 points left?”

“What are points?”

“You know what? I’m just going to give you Exemplar and call you even.”

“Ziggy is Ziggy… Ziggy isn’t Ethan!”

“I’m not even going to pretend to be surprised you said that.”