World 73: Assassination Classroom

EDUCATION IN CRISIS

Previously: The Fifth Question

Themesong: Bla Bla Bla by Gigi D’Agostino

“Okay… well, that wasn’t a cakewalk, but since none of those races can chart the future reliably, it wasn’t too bad. But if I have one more nap interrupted by the arrival of ZOG or one of those ships that look like a stone dildo… I mean, I guess it was exciting. But I wanted to mess with the Younger Races more! Stupid shepherds doing their job. Meh,” I commented as I walked back into the Warehouse, Ziggy in my arms.

He stood up and licked my chin, then jumped down to frolic around Amaryllis’s ankles.

“Hi Papa,” She said, holding up a plate of cookies and a glass of milk in a way that wasn’t at all suspicious.

I took them with my TK and scooped up the small girl and eyed her closely until she giggled and tried squishing my face. “What did you and your siblings do now?” I asked as her small delicate fingers mushed my lips around, my shapeshifting allowing far more play than is normal for flesh.

“Nothing!! We… We just wanna go to the school thing that is next!”

I blinked at that, my eyes currently on antennae bobbling above my forehead and sipped some milk with a fingertip. I really shouldn’t do that… too easy to slip into the eldritch abomination roll, but it got a giggle, so I guess it’s okay. “You want to go to Assassination Classroom?”

“Yeah! You said it’s a comedy!”

“Well, yes, I did say that. I guess. A bit of a dark comedy at times, but… okay. Fine. You and your reprobate siblings can come with if it seems like there’s a place for you to fit. I don’t even know what there is to offer.”

“We do! Jumpchan gave us copies of the Jump Tree and said she had a meeting upstairs to discuss something, so we’re to make sure you fill it out.” She pointed to where an interview style table had been set up near the central fountain in the middle of WarehouseVille. Alex and Maggy sat there on the boss side in business suits (Maggy’s looking like a Zootsuit from the 1930s and Alex’s looking like it had been designed by techno cowboys, but business suits nonetheless.). Amy squirmed out of my arms and ran to join her siblings, and I realized she was dressed in a suit made of iridescent insect wings (synthetic of course, she’d never hurt a bug just for its wings unless it was big and snarly and icky, and then she’d probably just chastize it for getting spit and ichor everywhere).

Alex began “The Earth is threatened by a powerful and enigmatic being named Korosensei. A few weeks ago, he destroyed 70% of the moon and claims that, within a year, he will also destroy Earth!”

Maggy continued, “However, he’s offered mankind a chance to avert this fate. If he’s allowed to take over as homeroom teacher of Class 3-E at Kunugigaoka Junior High, he will allow his students to attempt to assassinate him. Kunugigaoka is one of those unrealistic Anime High Schools that are exceptionally darwinian in nature, where the worst students are given the least assistance.” Maggy frowned as she delivered the off-script critique.

“I have watched this Anime, yes,” I reminded the trio, but was ignored as Amaryllis took her turn with the narration.

“Now, the students are conflicted. Certainly, he’s an inhuman monster, but he’s also the best teacher they’ve ever had. Even if they could overcome his numerous powers, such as hypersonic movement and superhuman strength, could they bring themselves to kill him. Your Job, should you choose to accept it-” Alex chimed in with “You don’t really have a choice” but Amaryllis elbowed him and continued, “Is to assassinate Koro-sensei within one year or else he’ll blow up the Earth…” Maggy added “or we can allow the plot to play out and he’ll be successfully assassinated by his pupils at the end of the year anyway.” but Amaryllis continued (this time without elbowing her sister), “To make this a little more challenging for you, Korosensei has predicted your presence and knows your powers. He’s had an entire lifetime to prepare for you and always seems to have a way to counter your abilities, so you’re going to have to use them in creative and skillful ways if you want to succeed. No one said saving the world was easy.” She smiled, then glared at Maggy who ruffled her hair.

“So, this jump is only a year long?” I asked.

They all blinked, then flipped through the papers in front of them, then whispered together (I deliberately didn’t hear what they were saying), then faced me and nodded in unified agreement. “Yes. That’s right,” Maggy said for the group.

“And you realize that I don’t actually have to do anything at all to get ‘best ending’?

The three looked at each other, nodded in unison, then back at me and said (breaking the dialogue flow across each not so innocent face almost at random), “Yes, we know. That’s why we’d like you to take the drawback ‘AssClass’.” Alex giggled at that and whispered “aaaasss!” but Maggy elbowed him and told him to act his age. Alex smirked, “Ass will never not be a funny word.”

Refraining from comment (because he’s right, some words are inherently funny, and ass in english is one of them. Even if it’s talking about a donkey, Ass is a funny word. So are Patela and Blithering), I asked, “and what, pray tell, does the AssClass Drawback do.”

[AN: AssClass is not an official drawback for the Assassination Classroom Jump. I created it for Narrative reasons, but I believe the pricing to be fair.]

Maggy either chose to do the explaining or had been chosen beforehand (I didn’t look into their minds… giving your kids privacy is fundamental, duh.), “AssClass establishes the existence of a Class 3-F. While Class 3-E contains the 5% of the student population that fulfill Kunugigaoka Chairman Asano’s belief that 95% of the population are workers while the remaining 5% are lazy…”

Amaryllis chimed in in condemnation of this idiocy, “Despite the fact that the class contains 15% percent of the student body in that grade, and despite there being far more reasons for underperforming than mere laziness.”

Alex patted her head and hugged her, “Not even this world thinks the Chairman is right, kiddo.” he assured her. “That’s pretty much the entire point of the story, isn’t it, Papa?”

I confirmed that this was so, but motioned for Maggy to continue. “You’re going to say that Class 3-F is actually lazy aren’t you?”

She smiled, nodded, and resumed her explanation, ‘Class 3-F is not only lazy, they are rowdy, aggressively ignorant, and prone to outbursts of idiocy, violence, or self destructive bravado. It says you should take Cromartie High School as an example, whatever that is.” I thought back to my first life and flinched…. “Of course, the existence of such a class is not, in and of itself, a drawback. No, for you, the Drawback is that you must ensure that, by the end of the year, by the time Korosensei dies, you have brought Class 3-F up to the standard that Korosensei brought 3-E. You must forge lifelong emotional bonds with your students or classmates, ensure all of them are passing in all subjects within the top 40% of the students in their grade (which must be within the top 20% of all third year junior high students nationally)… and you must do so without exerting undue influence upon them.”

“Define undue?” I asked.

“You may not bribe with money or material goods valued in excess of 1,000 yen. You may not use emotion control, mind control, or threats of violence upon them. You must teach or convince using non-whammy level charisma. You may not have sex with them, nor arrange for them to ‘hook-up’,” Maggy blushed a little at that last and I refrained stoically from smiling.

“Ah. That kind of undue.Will they also be equipped to try to assassinate me if I’m their teacher?”

“Only if you buy the Jumpersensei drawback, but that also makes everyone think you blew up the moon,” Alex supplied.

“Ah… good… what happens if I fail in this task?” I asked.

“You are branded a failure and must live with knowledge of your utter and complete failure as a jumper. Everyone you’ve ever met will be notified of your failure, and you’ll appear in your next jump with a big red F tattooed on your forehead.”

“Really?” I asked, half amused and half startled.

Alex nodded enthusiastically, “Yup, that’s what it says right here.”

“No chain failure?” I asked.

“Nawww…” he drawled, “No one would take this if they weren’t reasonably certain they could pull it off. Chain Failure is much less a risk than utter humiliation.”

I chuckled at that. It was probably true. While failure is a part of life, and I’ve experienced it from time to time, the simple fact of the matter is that I’ve won vastly more often than I’ve lost. Hell, being picked to be a Jumper was already pretty much the biggest form of winning ever. But to fail at a task that should be right up my alley? That would be pretty embarrassing. “So, How much is this worth?”

Amaryllis said, “Two Hundred.”

“Two Hundred for… wow, hardcore. Okay, fine, for you sprouts, I’ll take it. Now, I assume from that description that one of the available origins is Teacher?”

“Nope,” Maggy said, her voice in pedantic mode.

“Fine. Sensei?” I asked, cutting her off before she could smugly inform me of why I was wrong and what the real answer was.

She frowned, but nodded curtly. “Yes. Transfer Student is the Drop-in, Underachiever is the normal student, and Sensei is the teacher slash government assassin. They’re all free.”

“Ah, well… cool. I guess I’ll go with Sensei then. Unless the others have overwhelmingly cool abilities that I must has?” I asked.

The trio consulted, then Maggy explained, “Transfer Students have a low grade intimidation aura, a obscura effect, and a reflex, strength, and perception booster that grants you the ability to generate a mental image of your spirit animal in anyone that sees you but makes you more willing to kill.” Alex nodded, then continued. “Underachiever has an observation booster with a slow acting weakness detection feature, a study slash practice enhancer, and personal weakness minimizer coupled with something that makes learning skills go faster, but that’s soft capped with diminishing returns built in.” and then it was Amaryllis’s turn and she said “Sensei has an appearance booster, a perk that allows you to teach any ability you know to anyone… using any technique you like… and a perk that makes you really good at killing people.”

I hrmmed. “Assuming you were giving those to me in price order and that the first was the freebie?” they nodded, “and the third was the Capstone?” again a round of nodding, “then I have to say I’m unimpressed with the Capstones, but, that I really… really… like that teaching perk from the sensei line. So yeah. That’s fine, not missing out on much. What’s it called and what’s the actual description and price?”

Amy picked up her papers and read, “Actually Teaching, 150 CP for Senseis, quote you have the odd ability to actually teach really well. You can teach any ability you know to the likes of even Class 3-E. The methods you use are up to you. And the freebie is called ‘Good Looks’ and it says you’re hot, sexy even, and you know it! You’ve a lot more attractive than the average person, even if you try to downplay it, you can have both sexes eating out of your hands if you choose to.”

“Well, I’m sold. And I’ll take the freebie as well. Tell me about the companion import option before we go further. If I’m going to be teaching, you three are going to be going to school.”

Alex frowned, “Do we gotta? We already have the equivalent of several doctorates each.”

“Yes. Because you’re not the most sociable of brats and you could use more experience being people instead of little godlings. In fact, I’m specifically limiting you and everyone who enters this jump’s world with us to peak human physical limits, no special powers, none of that except mental stuff like intellect and memory, and you can keep your general defensive abilities.” Maggy looked rebellious at that, but a quirked eyebrow from me and she backed down from challenging me. Alex was pouting about the school stuff but didn’t look like he minded the powerdown, while Amy looked like this had been part of her plan from the get go. I filed that information away for later and added, “And if I have a challenge, you three do too. You’re to make friends individually and together, with at least half the members of Class 3-E.”

“What about Class 3-F?” Amy asked.

“I don’t know their general character. I do know that Class 3-E is generally comprised of good kids. I’m not going to tell you to befriend actual thugs, murderers, rapists, or bullies… but I might extend it to Class 3-F if they’re an okay group. We shall see.” I explained and that stunned them for a moment. I don’t think they’d considered that Class 3-F might be that bad. I didn’t think they would be… but I wasn’t going to count anything out until I had those twerps in my sights. The Cromartie High kids weren’t really that bad, but this setting did have a psychopath teaching gym class, so I wasn’t going to make assumptions. “Well? Companion Import? Or do I have to use my global option?”

“There is one,” Alex said, consideration evident on his face. “But it’s up to you if you think the Global is better. It’s called ‘Class Import and it’s 200 CP for 8 companions, each of whom can take Underachiever or Transfer Student and who get 300 CP, 400 with the points we get from Single Shot.”

“Mmm… I don’t think it meets the requirement for the Global. The Global requires the native import option to be objectively worse. While this gives half the CP, it costs exactly half as much. Sure, that short changes you guys a bit, but that’s not objectively worse… merely… less ideal. Yeah. I think I’ll leave it at that level. I’ll apply my Floating Discount from Single Shot to make it 100… that’s 250 spent out of 1200 so far… tell me that there are some perks or items actually worth buying besides the one I already did?”

Alex grinned at that and enthused, “You can get hair tentacles!”

“I can get what now?”

“He means you can buy ‘What Measure is Inhuman?’ which gives you some of Korosensei’s powers. While some of it… most of it, really, is useless for you, like the speed boost to 100kph… a far cry from hypersonic like you already are, and the fact that the hair tentacles… six of them, yes thank you Amy,” Maggy said in response to Amy’s holding up a magi handcounting six, “that they have the same strength as your own… but it it will boost your multitasking abilities to the point where manipulating six tentacles and two hands at the same time becomes pretty much routine.”

“Plus, the tentacles are as fast as you are and have fine control and can stretch across an entire classroom,” Alex added.

“As your sister pointed out, the strength of them… and their ability to manipulate things isn’t really an issue as my TK allows me to lift gigatons and manipulate things at the atomic level… but the multitasking is a serious enhancement.”

“But Papa, you can already multitask,” Amy said, confused. “You play all those games at the same time!” she pointed out.

“Ah. Not quite. I can parallel process mentally. I can make movements and decisions very very fast, so fast that they appear multitasking… but physically, the only way I can perform multiple tasks at the same time is by allowing my multiple selves to manifest their own bodies by use of homonculus effects. But with a Multitasking capacity that allows 8 different simultaneous actions with ease? Multiplied across all my selves? Think of the math there, sweetie.” I ruffled her hair with my TK. “We’re talking about roughly 2000 simultaneous actions at max effort… or more. Maggy said eight at once was easy. Never underestimate force multipliers.” I turned to the dark haired girl. “How much?”

She frowned, “600. No discounts. It seems overpriced but there’s not much else I think you’d want.”

“She might want the Anti-sensei Formula,” Alex said, then explained when I shot him a questioning look. “Anti-Sensei Weapons bought with CP or made with the formula bought with CP can harm all but the toughest monsters, but are harmless to normal people. And fabric treated with it damages monsters when they touch it… it’s 300.”

I nodded, understanding. “Fine. Good. that’s another 900, for a total of 1150 spent… is there anything that actually costs 50 in this jump? Or another 150 and a good drawback?”

“There’s a funny drawback named for Admiral Akbar,” Amy chirped.

I blinked at that, then asked, “It’s a Trap?”

“It’s called Admiral Ackbar says…” Amy explained, “And… yeah, it means you’re super androgynous… and you have to dress like a boy… or a girl if you go in as a boy… and people get you confused for the other gender but everyone in Class 3-E / 3-F know your secret. I will disable your shapeshift though… it’s 100… but I don’t think there’s anything you’ll need for 150… You get Cool Clothes for free as a Sensei, that’s an entire closet full of different clothing that’s all very nice. And the only 50 CP things for sale are a pair of Cool Shades or Anime Hair.”

“It’s not really just Anime Hair,” Alex pointed out. “It’s carte blanche to have weird hair or eyes and no one will ever question it. But there aren’t any 150 items or perks at all… it’s not very well balanced.”

“AH… hmm… Don’t really need that… tch… Hey, you three are the Banker for this jump, right?”

They looked back and forth, then shrugged.

“Good… good… okay… Since I’m limiting you all, I want you to pencil yourselves and the other importees in for an extra 100 CP each for that… then pencil in that I’m spending my last 150 on giving each importee another 150 CP… that seems fair to me… does it seem fair to you three? That’s enough to buy your entire perkline and still have enough left over for a little flex.” I smiled, knowing what their answer would be. If higher had a problem, they could suck it. They were the ones who’d failed to bring the Banker back and then taken the Chamber away. “Good. Now, In addition to you three, let’s go with Tokimi-Chan, Vita Zero, Sakura, the LSD Triplets, and AJ. I’m certain Tokimi and Sakura will be thrilled to be stuck in a classroom, AJ will enjoy the assassination challenge, and Vita and the LSD twits need even more people time than you three. And no, they don’t count towards the ‘half’ you have to befriend. Or against it. Now off with you and bring me your builds in a few days. I’m going to spend time with your mothers doing things you would be very uncomfortable with me describing to you.”

They fled as I chuckled and scooped up Ziggy from where he was savaging a shoe I didn’t recognize. Clearly not one of mine.

Days later, I received my first stack of homework to grade. Each of my chosen 8 had been given essay tests (in Japanese of course), to fill out and turn in. I assumed they’d been prepared by someone at higher… but I suppose VIvian could have done it as a joke or something. The essay questions included background information, choice of either Underachiever or Transfer Student and reason why, and selection of perks… and a bonus question on how that particular companion felt about being forced to go to school.

Sakura, Levi, Stern, Dearche, Maggy, and Amaryllis had all gone with Underachiever… though I wasn’t certain how much say Levi or Stern had had in the decision as they routinely let Dearche make the choices… indeed, Levi seldom could be bothered to make any plans longer term than ordering in a restaurant and even then she was prone to changing her mind between ordering and the time the food showed up. Stern was a bit more consistent, but far less decisive, prefering to be told what to do or pick than to make up her mind for herself. All of which worked out well, since Dearche enjoyed making discussions for her compatriots… or anyone else who would follow her orders… but she was a terrible leader and routinely made inept choices. They were, in almost every way, like comically inept versions of the originals they were modeled on… which might be funny in the abstract, but having Cirno’s general ineptitude was bad enough, and I could, occasionally, trust Cirno to get things right. The same could not be said for the Material Girls… Maybe this would change them… but I wasn’t going to hold my breath.

Sakura and… let’s say Dearche… had both taken the complete Underachiever line of perks (Note Taking, Just a Little Studying, and Statistics), and both had taken the Good Looks perk from the Sensei line… shallowness on the part of Dearche no doubt, manipulativeness on the part of Sakura, while Sakura had taken a perk called Perceptive that would make her even more observant, while Dearche had picked up the Intimidation Aura of the Transfer Student. Maggy and Amaryllis had, however, only taken the Note Taking freebie from their chosen background, deciding on perks decidedly not from either student background to spend most of their points on. Maggy had apparently taken my words about multitasking to heart, because she’d invested the lion’s share of her points on ‘What Measure is Inhuman’… except that last pesky 50 which she’d thrown away on a pair of cool shades, bro. Amaryllis had bought the Transfer Student’s ‘Fly on the Wall’ for full price, citing that she was aware she’d have been able to save 50 CP and get Perceptive instead of Anime Hair, but that she wanted local memories and Anime Hair sound like fun.  Then she’d bought the Teacher Perk ‘Actually Teaching’… even though she was pretty certain I could teach that perk’s core ability to her for free and even though she knew she didn’t have much to teach others yet, but someday she might and she wanted to be ready when it happened.

I put down the papers and went to give her a hug and tell her she was a good girl… then hugged the other two just so I wasn’t playing favorites… though Maggy tried to pretend she was too old for Papa hugs. Lies I tell you. No one is ever too old for parental hugs.

On the Transfer Student side, everything was far more cookie-cutter. All four took the whole perk line (Intimidation Aura, Fly on the Wall, Bloodlust). All four took the Perceptive Perk. Everyone besides Vita Zero took Note Taking (The Underachiever Weakness Detection perk)… Vita Zero took Good Looks.  And of course, both groups got a student uniform free of charge.

But that’s just what they bought. There was more information than that on the pages of those essays, subtext or straightforward, and I was largely amused to read their various reactions to the thought. Tokimi-chan promised to get even with me for the ignominy of sending a 23rd Dimensional GODDESS to Japanese Middle School, and for casting aspersions on her ability to easily pass any test ever devised by mere humans. I braced myself for incoming Tsundere. Vita said she didn’t need schooling to be a good Knight and Bodyguard and it was all stupid and I was stupid and this was totally lame and she was going to bring her hammer to school and hit anyone who talked to her. I had to struggle to keep from hugging the petulant cuteness. Sakura reminded me that the entire Moon Cell had disguised itself as a Japanese High School and, as such, she had a complete working understanding of all aspects of the Japanese Educational system… and had monitored all of human interaction for all of recorded history and a fair amount beside it. She knew how to people and how to student, thank you very much… but that she’d play my little game if it made me feel better. I assured her it would.

Then there were the Material Girls, who I’m reasonable certain didn’t even understand the concept of school. Levi seemed to think it was an obstacle course, Stern rambled a bit but I think she thought it was a buffet or a library with guided meditation, and Dearche claimed she would conquer all other students and become the mightiest of all Classrooms. Not Classleaders, Classrooms. I sat them down with some videos from my collection to show them what school was really like… videos like Summer School, Just One of the Guys, Saved by the Bell, and Azumanga Daioh. Sure, they weren’t accurate to real life school… but they kinda matched what they should expect to some degree. I tossed in a few extra scenes into each video to make sure there was actual studying and classwork shown. It might have thrown the pacing off a bit, but this was Edutainment. I hoped it would work, but only time would tell how thick that trio’s heads were.

Among my actual household, things were marginally better. AJ was totally unphased by the prospect and said he was looking forward to practicing unaided martial arts against Koro-Sensei and the other assassins. Him, I wasn’t worried about. Maggy was looking forward proving to me that she could overcome such a simple challenge, no matter what obstacles might be in her way. Amaryllis thought meeting new people would be fun and claimed she was looking forward to it, but it was also clear that the idea of being around so many aggressive, bloodthirsty people worried her. She got a peptalk. And then there was Alex… who categorically refused to waste his time on school work that served no practical purpose, to make friends with people he’d never see again, and resented the idea of spending day after day after day staring at the same four walls when he could be out and about, fighting ninjas and shopping. I reminded him of the concord that he and his sisters had agreed to, and he grumbled, but agreed that he had promised to make friends… but not the other stuff. Then he went to his room and sulked until Insertion time.

INSERTION

Well, here I am, Kunugigaoka remote campus, classroom 3-F, looking at my lovely class roster, complete with notes added by the Academy Chairman personally. It read as follows:

F-1) Anzai Kyoden. (M) Attitude Problem, Angry, Unengaged. Yakuza Connections.

F-2) Shankar Tibbs. (M) Violent, Possibly Homicidal. Brings Knives to School. Indian.

F-3) Makaba Rikudo. (F) Inattentive. Sleeps in Class. Last in Class.

F-4) Holly Wataburger. (F) Inattentive. Acts Out. Only Good Class Gym. Bad at it. American.

F-5) Matara Dearche. (F) Delusional. Makes Poor Choices.

F-6) Dabo Yukimi. (F) Delusional. Combative with Staff and Students.

F-7) Ishida Benjiro. (M) Delusional. Overweight. Talks Too Much. Writes too Much.

F-8) Onohara Toyoshige. (F) Unengaged. Depressive. Wears Black.

F-9) Hashimoto Dina. (F) Inappropriate Hobbies. ‘See Image’

F-10) Tomioka Chomei. (M) Compulsive Eater.

F-11) Zero Vita. (F). Violent. Brings Hammer to School

F-12) Lloyd McGill. (M). Delusional. Half British. Half-Japanese. Not actually a werewolf.

F-13) Ebuchi Ebi. (F) Inappropriate Hobbies. ‘See Image’

F-14) Tanaka Arita. (M) Clearly a Criminal

F-15) NGFN Tofu. (M) Disruptive. Dismissive of Staff Authority

F-16) Matara Levi. (F) Inattentive. Disruptive. Combative.

F-17) Zigminder Alex. (?) Changes Gender. Skips School. Challenges Staff Authority. Nationality Unknown.

F-18) Sato Chuichi. (M) Inappropriate and Disturbing Hobbies

F-19) Nakae Eichi. (F) Unengaged. Creepy.

F-20) Doi Moromao. (M) Disruptive. Inattentive.

F-21) Mufasa Arello. (M) Aggressively Disruptive. Inappropriate Attire & Behaviour.

F-22) NGFN Tokimi-Chan. (F) Bites. Dismissive of Humanity & Staff knowledge. Claims to be a Goddess.

F-23) Akechi Sonada. (M) Disruptive. Disgusting.

F-24) Ignatz Ignasty. (M) Seldom Does Assignments. Refuses to Speak. Eats Insects. Brazilian, I think.

F-25) Matara Stern. (F) Combative. Argumentative. Poor Grades.

F-26) NGFN Pepperoni. (M) Poor Grades. Refuses to wear Uniform. Speaks Gibberish when spoken to by staff.

F-27) Gashu Saana. (F) Inappropriate Hobbies. ‘See Image’

F-28) Ugaki Haruna. (F) Possible Lesbian.

I just stared at the list, blinking slowly. What… the actual… fuck? FIrst, I had to figure out why three of the class had a family name listed as NGFN.. in english letters no less… until I realized it meant ‘No Given Family Name’… I don’t know why it was in english. Second… there were sooo many issues, many of them evident merely from the longer profiles I had on each student if not purely from their pictures in the class roster. Others were issues I managed to pick up from reading their minds… which might have been cheating, but the challenge didn’t forbid mind reading, just mind control. Mind reading was merely a diagnostic tool.

To take them in order. Anzai Kyoden did have Yakuza Connections… his father was a mid-tier family’s wakagashira or first lieutenant, and his elder brother was shingiin (legal advisor). His attitude problem was fairly typical teenage angst. He hated everything because he felt trapped in the family’s criminal ties and didn’t think he could avoid that lifestyle, a lifestyle he had no interest in pursuing. It was clear no one had looked into the boy’s family any deeper than ‘Yakuza’ and no one had had the guts to speak to the family or the compassion to speak to Kyoden himself. I made a note to rectify both oversights and moved on, knowing that, if nothing else, communication would help immesurably.

Shankar Tibbs… he was another matter entirely. Not only was he violent, he was very close to certifiable. Not only did he call himself ‘Shanker’ (He spoke five languages; Japanese, Urdu, Hindi, Pashtun, and English… his mother was the Indian Ambassador to Japan), but he had a strong compulsion to stab people and liked watching things bleed. So far, he hadn’t killed anyone that he was aware of, but he was a clear danger to others. Unfortunately, I couldn’t just remove him from the class and have him committed. But I could have him medicated and put into counselling… of course, I couldn’t confiscate his knives, but I could enchant them so they became harmless. The jump of course bent that to exclude both me and Korosensei, just because.

Makaba Rikudo wasn’t just inattentive… she was unconscious. Like a certain character from Summer School, she was out like a light. Every class, all day, completely asleep… and twitching. As it turns out, this was because she was making quite a lot of money in E-Sports and was staying up all night practicing. She’d require counselling, as (like most athletes) she wasn’t thinking long term and while she was good, could even be among the best, E-Sports is a hard way to make a lifetime’s living. An education would go a long way towards helping there… and if I couldn’t get her to stop… maybe I could do something about her being sleepy during the day… giving her the ability to function on less sleep would certainly do that.  But how to teach that…

The American Holly Wataburger was, again, a different challenge. She was a total exercise nut… always chasing the newest fad… which currently was pelvic thrusting, which meant that everywhere she went, she was being fairly obscene… unfortunately for her, she had all the physique of an anemic Yorkie. Hyperactive, but quick to fatigue, she also had a fairly bad case of ADHD. Still, I’d been dealing with people like her for centuries, and if I couldn’t figure out a workable, practical, and effective exercise plan (for mind and body) then I was in the wrong business… and I don’t mean teaching. Also… only in an anime would someone who looked almost exactly like the Wendy’s girl be named ‘Wataburger’. Also, her spoken Japanese was horribly accented. That would need work.

F-5 was the first of mine. Dearche. Sigh. In this world, the Material GIrls were cousins… identical cousins… of the Matara family. Dearche’s file described her as a classic Chuuni (not the only one in the class, unfortunately) and described her as hyper focused, but impulsive and the kind who was constantly getting into trouble in odd new ways, like being caught sneaking into bars, going on paid dates (schoolgirl prostitution’s vanilla counterpart), and hanging out at arcades instead of going to cram school.

Levi was F-16 and Stern was F-25… Both were listed as Combative, which was obviously correct. Levi was also classic ADHD and in need of focus… and burning off energy. I’d have to schedule more physical activities for her and teach everyone in the class study habits and focus… though Levi needed the focus more than most. Stern was willfully defiant, and needed the study habits more than most. She liked arguing for the sake of it and had little native ability to learn from her mistakes… or at least no practice in applying such facilities. I’d have to get Ahab and Joy Senseis (yes, that’s how they’d imported themselves this time) to oversee the Mataras and at least get them to get their grades up, though I would not be ignoring my responsibility to the trio who were effectively my wards, like it or not.

Also on the Chuuni scale was F-6, Dabo Yukimi, who claimed to be ‘Bluefang Darkwater, Warrior-Mage of the Shadow Empire of Yoth, Master of the Fourteen Forms and Seven Killing Arts, and Hero of the People’… she was also psychotically brave, flinging herself in front of her classmates to protect them from the slightest (imaginary) harm. While Dearche was a little bonkers, Dabo was very close to fully Delusional. She wasn’t just acting up… she was having active trouble separating imagination from reality… and I had no easy fix for that… so I decided to go full bore and convince her that her imaginings were another layer of reality, one where it was important to get her grades up or run the risk of losing access to the wonderous world she could visit after school. The fact that I could, indeed, create a fantasy realm for her to interact with would help immeasurably. It was of questionable morality, but giving the girl a clear divide between fantasy and reality might be exactly what she needed.

Next up was the reincarnation of Benjamin Franklin. Really. Well… at least that’s what Ishida Benjiro thought he was… and for all I could tell, he was. He was incredibly erudite for a 13 year old, and while chubby, wasn’t fat. He did have a habit of rambling a bit and focusing too much on writing his opinions on all manner of things down rather than focusing on assignments, but that was mostly because he found them plebeian and boring. He was brilliant, but snarky and anti-social… and his refusal to bend to cultural values he didn’t believe in had branded him an outcast. Him I could deal with. He was easily smart enough to understand how much he could accomplish with minimal effort… the only problem would be finding the carrot to make the stick of putting in the actual work worth it.

Similarly, Onohara Toyoshige wasn’t depressive… she was a nihilist, seeing no promise in the future and thus no value in working for that future. If I could convince her there was something worth putting in the effort, she’d be an easy upgrade… but figuring out what she’d consider worth it would take work… but I wasn’t afraid and I had spies who could find out what she was interested in and why, exactly, she saw no promise in the future. I could have gone deep enough to find that out myself, but where was the fun in that… and she could use the friends.

“See image” said the entries on F-9 (Hashimoto Dina), F-13 (Ebuchi Ebi), and F-27 (Gashu Saana). The image in question showed three grostesque and monstrous foam-rubber suits holding drumsticks, base, and guitar respectively. It was labled ‘Giwar’ and the drummer was labled ‘Delta’, the basist as ‘Iota’ and the guitarist as ‘Alpha’. Apparently the inappropriate hobby was being a thrash metal band that performed in really ugly Kaju Costumes… which they insisted on wearing to school… they also insisted on being called by their ‘Thrash Names’ rather than their ‘Imperialist Names’. Those three… well, I only had to get their grades up, right? I could probably do that by speaking to them as people, rather than treating them like I was the Man and they were disobedient Proles. I’d have to see… and see how good their music was. Maybe I could trade lessons for classwork.

F-10, Tomioka Chomei was, as it turns out, very similar. The boy was obsessed with food. A little chunky, but not enough to earn the Chairman’s ire, he apparently spent all day snacking from the giant bag of snacks he brought with him into class every day.  He also kept a notebook where he ranked every snack, wrote little reviews to post on Amazon.jp, and composed emails to the makers suggesting changes. For him, I had another easy in. All I had to do was convince him that his future was in food writing and that good grades could get him into a good journalism program, and improving his writing skills would help sell a blog or newspaper column. He wasn’t the best writer, but his passion was clear, and while skills can be taught, passion can’t be.

Then there was Vita. Vita needed hugs. Lots of hugs. I assigned that duty to VIctoria because I wasn’t allowed to snuggle my students. She also needed frequent scolding and orders to behave herself. There I could do that… but she wasn’t a bad kid, just a brat. But my brat. Ah well. I’d work something out. Or remind her that if I ended up with an F on my forehead for a decade, I would not be pleased with her.

After her was Lloyd McGill and his ‘Not Actually A Werewolf’ entry. Apparenly he thought he was under a familial curse to become a wolf every full moon. He was, in fact, so convinced of this that he spent all his time researching counter curses and figuring out how to restrain himself on the full moon… despite never actually transforming.  Thankfully, He wasn’t a were of any kind and I could just tell him the truth and have him get over it. Or so I thought… In actuality, I ended up having to disabuse him of any number of paranoid imaginings over the school year, always by the same tactic… boy had an overactive imagination and a father who liked playing somewhat cruel pranks on people. Nothing said I couldn’t punch the students parents however… don’t worry, I didn’t hospitalize the man.

From students with self-image problems to students with actual image problems… Tanaka Arita looked like a thug. He wasn’t. But he looked like one, and everyone treated him like one and so he was in my class because… prejudice. All his teachers assumed he cheated and so his 84% GPA was discounted to the point he was in Class 3-F. Thankfully, he wasn’t really aware his looks and reputation were to blame and merely felt he was unlucky. A makeover, including working on his way of speaking, would help… and performing some verbal / social judo on the rest of the staff should help.

Which brings us to the first NGFN. Tofu was a Buddhist Monk… or dressed and acted like one… up to and including chanting during class and challenging everything the teachers said with Buddhist Koans. He was going to be a giant pain in the ass, and I’d have to appeal to his sense of propriety and community if I was going to get him to tone it down and actually focus on classwork instead of Buddhist Sutras. Time and place and all. Chanting during class, I pointed out, would scarcely be cultivating good will between Tofu and his classmates, and was, in fact both disruptive and potentially generating negative Karma by distracting those who were (in theory) focused on bettering themselves. Also, being disrespectful to those attempting to pass on wisdom, no matter how worldly, was grossly disharmonious and lacking in compassion.

While the Monk was easily swayed by such a call to his core values, Alex was not. The only member of my family to actually be assigned to Class 3-F, Alex was resentful in the extreme and didn’t just act out against the staff, he was openly defiant to me and felt that it was my fault he wasn’t in the same class as his sisters. Unfortunately, no lesson plan was going to work here and it took every ounce of my self control to keep from either throttling the brat or hugging him until he squirmed free. Unfortunately, emotional blackmail was out and I don’t approve of intra-familial violence. Instead, I had to rely on his mothers and siblings and hoped they could straighten him out. AJ, Maggy, Sakura, Amaryllis were E-29, E-30, E-31, and E-32 respectively… so it wasn’t like they’d escaped the remote campus either. AJ was violent but a top member of several fighting clubs. Maggy was a know it all. Sakura acted like she had MPD. and Amy kept bringing small animals to school.

And back on the subject of inappropriate behaviour, that brings us to Sato Chuichi… who drew ultra-violent manga… and flinched when talked to. One look inside his mind and I was calling the Japanese version of CPS to deal with his step-father, and then setting aside time to both council the kid for PTSD and to help him with his self-imposed art therapy… which showed promise and wasn’t really much worse than some of the stuff available commercially in terms of style… the violence wasn’t even that over the top compared to most zombie comics.

Zombie-talk brings me to F-19, Nakae Eichi, who had short hair for a girl, was the shortest in the class, overly thin, almost to the point of emaciation, and had a severe lack of effect. In fact, as it turns out, she believed she was a ghost. I recognized it immediately as the Cotard Delusion, a mental illness where the patient believes they are already dead (and often that they are immortal… mental illness is not sane). Medication and some ECT would be most helpful… and getting her on a diet that provided proper nutrition should take care of much of the issue… or I could run her through my medbay and see if that fixed the psychological defect, since it was often caused by brain damage or malformation.

If Eichi-chan was one extreme, Doi Mormao was the far end. By far the most hyperactive individual in the class, he was a Human Beatbox with ADHD that bordered on the Speed Force. Ritalin was definitely not working… but I had access to far more effective forms of anti-hyperactivity drugs and probably a perk or two which would help there… and he was a damn good beatbox… not as flexible as that guy from Police Academy, but really good at spittin’ a catchy rhythm. I saw no reason to discourage that… merely convince him to save it for a time and place where it was appropriate.

And speaking of inappropriate, Mufasa Arello was straight out of Cromartie Highschool. A rebel without a clue, he was huge, ugly, and ridiculous. Wearing a leather vest over his school blouse, he was 6’3 and had a 4 foot tall purple and green mohawk that brushed the classroom ceiling. Despite being only 5 hairs thick, it was completely rigid and had all the spring factor of coiled steel. He claimed to be the greatest hero in the universe and would challenge anyone for anything he viewed as dishonorable, duplicitous, bullying, or evil… which considering that the entire campus was engaged in an attempt to assassinate one or both the homeroom teachers… included trying to stop his classmates from trying to save the world. I considered how to help him… then just shrugged and moved on. I’d do my best, no one’s ever a lost cause… but this kid needed a sharp smack upside the head. Still, maybe I could convince him that studying is heroic… or a worthy challenge.

That tactic would not work on Tokimi-Chan. Thankfully, I didn’t care how much she bit me or dismissed human knowledge. She’d never get less than a 100% on an assignment, as that would be beneath her and both of us knew it.

Another simple fix was Akechi Sonada, who was listed as disruptive and disgusting because he farted… a lot. Loud, odiferous, and frequent, medication and a modified diet would help him greatly. He was, otherwise, a decent student, just one often embarrassed by his flatulence, which was caused by a digestive sensitivity to rice that caused it to ferment into methane far more readily than in most, coupled with a diet high in Nato and Soy Sauce which definitely wasn’t helping.

And then I ran into the realm of ‘only in anime’. F-24 was Ignatz Ignasty… who was, as far as I could tell, a 7 year old Brazilian member of the species Iguana Iguana… i.e. a Green Iguana… a lizard. Not a sapient Iguana. An Iguana. A meter and a half of bug eating reptile of the order squamata. How the hell was I going to get an Iguana to pass… how in the hell was the Iguana not the lowest in the class standing? How had it even passed year 2? Or passed the entrance exams. I mind scanned the Iguana… it was an Iguana. I talked to it in Iguanese… it was an Iguana… though it did enjoy school and found its desk very comfortable if in need of a heat lamp in winter… I guess I’d try teaching it to be a sentient being… that would be… unique… could I teach it Japanese too?

Speaking of teaching Japanese… F-26 was NGFN Pepperoni, listed as having poor grades, not wearing the uniform, and speaking Gibberish. First off… Pepperoni was Umberto Pepperoni… second of all, he wasn’t speaking Gibberish… he was speaking Italian. He was, in fact, a 45 year old Neapolitan gentleman who’d enrolled at the academy believing it to be a Japanese Language Class and no one seemed to have noticed. He also was wearing a 3 piece Armani… and not an Armani Emporio (their comercial line) but a bespoke Armani hand-tailored suit that must have cost 15,000,000 yen at the very least. It was gorgeous… and didn’t fit in with the school.  

I have to admit I lied to Signore Pepperoni, at least by omission. I didn’t tell him his mistake. Rather, I simply switched over to Italian and explained that the school had a dress code and explained that, in order to get him up to speed, I’d hook him up with a tutor free of charge to help bring him up to the level of a middle schooler. Then I assigned Franchesca to the task, because she speaks both italian and Japanese fluently and is adorable… also, looking inside his mind showed that he had a niece who resembled Lucchini-chan quite closely.

And then I was at the end of the list, with Ugaki Haruna… who was apparently listed as ‘Possible Lesbian’ because she talked about boys all the time. I made a note to give her some counselling about setting appropriate behaviour, teach her a little restraint, and then I went and read the Chairman the riot act about a) assuming anything about a student’s sexual orientation, b) viewing lesbianism, homosexuality, or bisexuality as a reason for putting a student into what amounted to special ed, and c) being a dick in general. Then I pointed out the idiocy of his math to him and left the room… only to run into Korosensei.

“Can’t say I know how you could possibly have all those powers and abilities you have… and you’re clearly more dangerous than I am… but I gotta say I like your style,” he said with that huge yellow smile.

I smiled back and nodded. “Ditto. You’re a heck of a guy… and a damned fine teacher. These kids are lucky to have you. I have a question for you… Would you like to live past the end of the year?”

He regarded me with a curious expression. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t play coy. You know what I’m capable of and I know you’re essentially on borrowed time before you explode. Do you want to live past the end of the year?”

“I’d be a fool to say no, wouldn’t I? Who doesn’t want to live? But it hardly seems reasonable or possible.”

“Good. I specialize in the unreasonable and impossible. Take my hand and I’ll see to it you make it through this in one piece. And your students will be fine. I like kids… I like teaching. I was a teacher before all,” I waved my hands vaguely at myself, “This happened. It’s a noble calling.”

“You might make enemies if you do this,” He said, taking my hand and shaking it firmly, if a little tentacly.

“Please. I’ve made worse enemies than even beings like you over the millenia I’ve been alive. Remind me to introduce you to my butler some time.”

And that’s how I ended up being hunted by every government and assassin on the planet… well, not hunted. They knew exactly where I was for the rest of the decade (apparently, deciding to save Korosensei got me named ‘God of Death’ and somehow extended the jump to a full decade… though the drawbacks ended at the end of the first… weird)… oh, and it turned out, Alex was acting like a bad boy just to drive me bonkers and give me a bit of a challenge. His sisters were in on it with him… I love my kids… even when I want to throttle them.

Next:  Yu-Gi-Oh

OMAKE: Relationship Chart

If you like what I do, please consider supporting me on Patreon

I also have an original Novel (it’s space opera) in progress here. Please Check it out. Let me know if I should create a Blog for it too. I also have a very silly second chain about a Jumper named Zed, temporarily on hiatus. It isn’t very long.

Resources: Build, Document

AN: Yes, I created a drawback for this. I priced it at +200 because I figured it was the diametric opposite of Lazy, which makes you not want to do any work. This requires a lot of effort… plus, I really wanted to call something AssClass… I know, I’m terrible. Still, I hope you enjoyed the microprofiles on the kids in the class. As a teacher myself, I have to say that about 50% of the trouble with problem students is the fact that the education system tends to pigeonhole them and dismiss them. There are problems that can’t be helped, like home conditions and neurochemical imbalances and psychological issues… but too often, administrators and teachers are too quick to just label a kid as disruptive or hyper or lazy and move on. The US is bad about this… but in many ways, Japan is worse. There’s such an expectation to conform there that students who have an issues are libel to crash and burn. No system is perfect, but Japan’s system is brutal, causing far more drop outs and suicides than the US or European systems. I’d love to be a teacher in Germany or Finno-Scandia… I hear they have really nice schools and a real feel for student-teacher relationships. and that the kids actually have fun learning. But this is all my opinion.

Note on the featured image: Not what I was originally going to go with, but when I picked the Trap drawback, I needed something androgenous and I find that very graceful and cool… impractical necklace included. Love the colorshifting hair and those are the longest legs ever.

Original Image Choice (or alternatively, Image without Drawback Applied)

Jump 80 - Assassination Classroom

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24 thoughts on “World 73: Assassination Classroom

    1. Yes. I taught the Iguana how to speak. First, I taught him an intelligence boosting perk, then I taught him a linguistics perk, then Japanese. And Alt-Form Shifting. And he was passing tests because of Jump-Fiat, clearly. No other explanation.

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      1. I found that part the most hilarious part of this chapter, some jumps are more fun then others of course, but this one was quite amusing. So, second question, did you take your class with you upon leaving this jump.. or at least just take the Iguana?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I did not take my class with me. They had lives of their own in the nine years since I was their teacher. That said, I’m gratified that you enjoyed the experimental nature of this chapter.

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      3. I have mild autism (among other more serious issues) and got filed into special ed as a kid. I can certainly believe an iguana is passing special ed classes, since in most of the classes I was in throughout elementary and middle school, a ham sandwich would have passed. No jump fiat required.

        And as screwy as it is, Cromartie High School only looks bad in contrast to the regular Japanese school system. There are non-fictional US schools that are worse, and various fictional ones that are true horrors. Saint Trinian’s for example.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Yeah, unfortunately, I’m familiar. Several of my friends are teachers and I used to be a teacher myself. Some of the schools are disasters. Though I do think Japanese schools are too high stress.

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  1. This feels like a jump for perks. Just in comparison to your usual method of writing which I can compare to Taylor Varga (I actually am rereading that this week, is good), this feels like a listing of just the class you taught and possible solutions for some of the listed problems. Also, as some one with inattentive ADD, your class would probably have been one of the most interesting places to just be, nevermind anything else. Then again, I suspect the original writer of the jumpdoc intended the Sensei tree to be scope limited. Rather than a full class, something like the gym teacher thing.

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    1. Yeah. There wasn’t really a narrative here I could explore because nothing needed my intervention. So it’s really about the individuals. I could have gone deeper into the class interaction, but that would be investing more time into people who’d never be seen again. I wanted to create vingettes of fascinating / amusing students and to show how the education system can fail them in various ways.

      As for Taylor Varga, thanks for the comparisson.

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      1. Yeah yeah. I know. But honestly, the Jump needed a challenge and I felt I actually underpriced it. I was perfectly happy taking Lazy and just doing nothing for 10 years. I could have. Same 200 points, but Lazy isn’t a challenge. It’s… free points, really.

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      2. Yes. EssJay’s based entirely on me and what I would do. in fact, my initials are SJ_ in real life. My other jumper, Zed, is also based on me, but at a much younger point in life. Age 16 instead of age 30+. Zed is much more carefree and closer to her formative traumas, while EssJay is more introspective, self-aware, and has gotten over most of those traumas… or at least learned to cope. EssJay is more worldly and more weary, but also less judgemental and less angry. Zed is hyper and prone to bouts of unreasoning rage.

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  2. I haven’t read about Zed.
    Essjay is a hoot to read, and if Zed is anything like her she’ll be fun to read someday.
    My jumper will be based on myself. I’m going to go with Mark for his name. He’ll be based on me at age 16.

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    1. Zed is much sillier. Also, her jump logs are much shorter, usually less than a thousand words, with little or no build sections a lot of the time. I should get back to Zed, but I want to focus on EssJay for a while.

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    1. Yup. I has all the knowledge. I totally dumped all my points into gaming and teaching and a huge variety of knowing stuff. It’s a little bonkers how quasi-qualified I am in a whole lot of fields and utterly useless I am at doing stuff that will make me millions of dollars.

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