Turn Turn Turnabout
Previously: In Which I Accidentally the Whole Guild
Themesong: Losing My Religion by R.E.M.
Arriving back at the warehouse after one monster of a going away ceremony and being read out of Fairy Tail… they have a whole ceremony for it… it’s pretty passionate. There are three rules. The first two are standard security NDA stuff… but the third… ah… that’s pretty nice; “Though our paths may have diverged, you must continue to live out your life with all your might, you must never consider your own life to be something insignificant, and you must never forget about your friends who loved you.”… see? Nice? A little wordy, but it gets the point home. Reads a bit better in Japanese… anyway, arriving back at the Warehouse, I glanced over at the machines… and swore. “Three Blind Jumps in a Row? Is this screw with SJ’s Genre Savvy Century?.”
Zane looked over and grunted, “Supernatural? Bit vague isn’t it? Something generic like Great Detective?”
I shook my head. “No… crappy monster of the week tv show… like Charmed except with gay vibe brothers… Dean and… fuck… Sam? Maybe? They drive around in a car and kill monsters or some shit. I’ve seen like… 2 minutes of one episode before realizing it was bollocks.”
“So we’re going in with no information besides what we can glean from the Screen Text?”
“Looks like. On the plus side, this is modern day Earth. We might be able to pick up more media that might be in a Jump.”
“Assuming all copyrighted material in this world isn’t totally different.”
“Assuming that, yes.”
I looked over at the machine… the wheel was for location… but aside from Purgatory, all the other choices were in the American Midwest. Definitely wasn’t worth wasting 100 Choice Points on something that minor, so I spun the wheel and ended up in Chicago… the Five Monster Families playground… whoever they were.
Next up is Origins and here I almost ate my damned tongue… a litany of Monsters, Witches, Angels, Demons, and GODS. Now Demon and Monster were frankly terrifyingly bad choices and Angel and God were almost too good to be true… Angel isn’t half bad… but requires a host vessel for full power… and Pagan God… wow… this show is really damned Christian… still… no way can I pass up the chance to be a Pagan God… and for free? Sign me up!
I promptly proclaim myself to be Skadi, the Norse Goddess of Winter (and Skiing… and Justice)…. Though I did consider making myself Sun Wukong since I have all these fabulous fire monkey powers…. But winter was my first love… aside from my dog. Best dog… that was before I discovered ferrets though. I rolled the dice for age and got… 960… oy… that was going to be a lot of skiing memories. Being a God… and that solved potential questions re: Gozer… gave me not one, but two free perks… and access to, get this… Immortality! IMMOR-FUCKING-TALITY! As in never experience mortal disease, never experiencing fatigue, never experiencing pain or aging… unless I chose to! Unless I died in violence or an accident, I wasn’t dying. Full Stop. Ever. Hell, if (when) I bought this… I could be any age I wanted, at any time… as the mood struck me. I could not spend the 300 CP fast enough. I know! Only 300 CP? Outrageous!
The Freebies were “Virgin Detector” (a sixth sense that does exactly what it says on the tin and is never wrong.) and “In My Name You Pray” the ability to offer a blessing to a person or place so long as someone performs an offering to me. Hell, the sacrifice wasn’t even needed as long as some worship or honest reverence was included. Sure, it was mostly small coincidences and a tough of divine magic, but wealth, health, crop success, romance… so many things were possible with a tiny shift in the fortunes of those blessed by the divine.
Pagan Gods also gained discounts on such joyous things as “Force of Nature” which granted me true mastery of the domain of Winter itself, allowing me to control natural sources of it, generate an endless stream of it, and even use it in ways that it wasn’t normally capable of being used… wind as a binding force for instance… and “Trickster”, which was not only the ability to conjure something from nothing, including minor monsters or objects with a personality of my own design (didn’t allow me to grant them souls alas)… sure, doing so relied on having a constant and copious amount of sugar to recharge… but it also allowed me to use sugar to recharge my divine power instead of, you know… human sacrifices, blood, worship… none of that needed. All I needed was like… a few gallons of kool-aid with smarties dissolved in it. And both of them were available for the rock bottom cost of 200 each. A steal at twice the price… which I didn’t have to pay because discounts. Still, I was now down 700 and there was so much on sale… and I hadn’t even gotten to Companions.
That meant it was time to go hunting for Drawbacks, unless I wanted to call it quits with what I had. Still, I hadn’t checked for companion imports… So I decided to do that first. There wasn’t a standard 8 person group import option… but rather each of the origins had a free ‘follower’ companion import that didn’t grant bugger all besides a place in the world, but could be taken as many times as I wanted… and a three person import to round out a jumper’s Monster Squad, Hunter Pack, Demon Rush, Angel Wing, Witch Coven, or whatever the fuck you call Sam & Dean… Normally it was a 3 per, but if I bought the Pantheon, I’d count as one… so it was half price for only 2/3rds the effect… that was odd… and I didn’t really want anyone of my companions running around copying my schtick… I’m crazy, but not crazy enough to turn my friends into gods and then ask them to behave themselves… I saw how well that had worked with them as the Magi Pantheon… the shenanigans they got up to before getting bored. Still, 200 CP would get three of my people their choice of origin… if they could agree on anything. I offered the choice to Zane and he considered for a while, then voted for Hunter.
“Really? Hunter? Why Hunter?”
“Angels and Demons are the badguys right? plus they have to possess mortal bodies and that seems rude. Monsters are worse. And I ain’t no witch. I’m a wizard.” I smacked my head with my palm, but didn’t bother correcting him about the gender neutral nature of the word, J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter notwithstanding. “Pluswhich, Kendra would get a kick out of being a Slayer again… and you can invite Velma… she likes Ghost Hunting.” And so that was that.
“Sure, why not. I can spend 200 CP on a Hunter Road Trip!” We high fived. For my  Zane, Kendra, and Velma got the Perks ‘Hunting Things’ (A basic knowledge of how to id monster activity, how to find the monsters that are active, and how to stop them from being active ever again… up to and including monster trapping for fun and profit) and ‘Clap Your Hands if You Believe’ (which made it much easier for them to convince normal people that monsters were real… or at least real enough to run the fuck away while listening to the Hunter and not just panicking or freezing in terror), and the item ‘Family Business’… which was not only a stack of badges and business cards and fake IDs for all manner of useful covers… FBI, CDC, Federal Marshals, local PD or Health Department… and an idjit at a call center ready to verify that Agents Popkin, Tart, and Crepe were indeed on a case and should be given all the support ever. Not impressive, but potentially useful. They also each got a 200 CP stipend to spend on Hunter Gear… and 600 CP to spend on Perks and Items, with applicable discounts of course.
Most of the Gear was pretty meh, to be honest, but potential is found in the strangest of places and there wasn’t any point in not spending it. Kendra got a set of holy beads that could turn any standing water into holy water, a shotgun that always started a fight with eight normal rounds and two rock salt rounds, an easily concealed silver machete, and a shovel that made digging graves (or digging up graves) take minutes instead of hours and was traceless as long as it was clean. Velma, always the geek, got the EMF meter that detected ghosts… and whatever was tethering them to the mortal plane (this one was better than could be found in setting in two ways… it couldn’t be thrown off man-made interference… and it could be loaded onto a PDA or Phone as an app), the Laptop that never lost data and never got damaged by viruses or malware no matter how much porn one looked at, the Hunter’s Journal which was a family scrapbook of monster trivia, and a limitless supply of salt… yes really.
Also on the subject of yes really… Zane used all 200 of his stipend to buy a classic muscle car… that didn’t need gas. He applied it as an import to VIncent the Assault Shuttle… so now we have a 1957 chevy convertible that can talk to us… it’s like Knight Rider 1960. Car is a fucking land barge… with an arsenal and demon trap in the trunk. At least with VIncent inside we didn’t have to listen to the radio… there weren’t even 8-Track Tapes in 1957.
“Can’t have a Road Trip without a Car!”
“We could buy a Car.”
“I meant with cash.”
“It was either that or a handgun, a crowbar, and a set of handcuffs… I could buy all those too.”
“A fair point. What else did you buy with your main CP?”
Zane grinned at me, and I knew he’d bought something that would annoy me. “I bought a restaurant!”
“Yeah! It’s called Biggerson’s and it’s apparently the 27th largest restaurant franchise in the United States of Monstertopia! And we get to eat free!”
“We are on a road trip… and we get to eat free at a single location of the franchise? What do they serve, anyway? Biggerson’s? What kind of name is Biggerson’s?”
“An awesome one! And no. Since we own one of their franchise locations, we get to eat free at any Biggerson’s! Guaranteed one in every major city! And that’s the best part! It’s an all you can eat place! Burgers, Chicken Wings, PEPPERJACK TURDUCKEN SLAMMER! And… and it follows us… well, not Biggerson’s… but we get another franchise type thing from now on… and the place always attracts hunters or similar and is a great place to pick up leads!”
“This food is got to be terrible for you,” I grimaced. Still, it might be handy to have an innocuous meet up spot.
“I’m Zane! I fear not the foods!”
“Great, I’m happy for you… anything else?”
“Oh, sure. An Angelic tracking perk called Localization which can pinpoint anyone I’m seeking as long as they’re not warded against it specifically or using a supernatural method of hiding. An Exorcism perk that allows me to Latinate any demons back to hell… even if they interrupt me while I’m getting my chant on. And this thing called Hunter x Hustler that makes me a great small time hood and gambler! It’ll be loads of fun… people will probably try and shoot me!”
“Try to shoot you. Not try and… why am I having this debate. Fine. Get your crime on. See if I care. Velma? You find anything you wanted?” I asked, trying to ignore Zane’s annoying grin of superiority and smugness. Brat.
“I didn’t buy any items,” the girl detective said, tugging her sweater down. “I just bought perks I thought would be useful.”
“Entirely acceptable… encouraged really,” I reassured her.
“OH… I wasn’t certain. When we did RWBY, it was important to think of the team, and Touhou and Fairy Tail were…”
She considered, then nodded, “That’s an apt description… Anyway, I bought Bullshit Ballistics which makes me a really good marksman and allows me to make speciality ammo that’s designed to hurt specific enemies without worrying my modifications will fu… mess up the ballistic profile. And I bought Saving People, which doesn’t help me do it, but anyone I help save will get over the trauma super easily… which seems nice… Those I kinda bought for the team… or the victims… but I did pick up stuff that’s just for me,” She blushed as she found that I was watching her speak. “Umm… I… you don’t have to stare.”
“But I like too… you’re very pretty. But go on, please.”
She gulped, then nodded jerkily. “I thought… Monstrous Durability would be handy… I mean, I don’t like being hurt… but it should keep me from getting injured most of the time… and Clairsentience should be useful to detect supernatural energies and objects… it also contains psychometry… you know, object reading and stuff like that. Might be useful to know whether or not an item is cursed right?”
“Might be… but you’ve got to touch it to find that out. Might be enough to trigger it. Be careful with that power… but yeah, information is good. Good picks. Kendra?”
“I didn’t waste my time with perks,” she shrugged.
I chuckled at her words… “Didn’t want the perk that actually relates to Hunting?” I drawled, to which she responded “I should stab you for that. Anyway, I’m not sure we’re going to be doing much Monster slaying, per se.”
“As opposed to?”
“Demon slaying?” Kendra supplied.
“Skiing for 10 years?” Velma added.
“Bringing about apocalypse early?” Zane thirded.
I chuckled. “Wow… that wouldn’t be very nice of us.”
“We’ve saved the world plenty of times. We could totally play the badguys and let it all burn-” Zane said, grinning goofily.
I patted his shoulder. “You are mental.”
“You love me for it,” he said, scooping me up and giving me an annoying huge and face rub.
After I made him put me down, I turned to Kendra. “So? What did you get? A day spa?” I was joking.
“Actually, one of those is for sale in the Monster section. But no. I picked up thirteen bullets and The Colt.”
“The… Colt? Singular?”
“Apparently, yes. It is said the gun can kill anything and comes with the instructions on how to make more of the bullets, which can kill anything that isn’t exceptionally power or doesn’t predate creation.”
“Huh… so… like, anything older than 4000 BC, Death, Lucifer, God, whatever… Interesting. Could come in handy I guess. I take it that cost all your points?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” she confirmed as I turned back to the document, flipping through the equipment section to look at the spa. There it was… along with a 5-Star hotel with a 24-pie buffet for gods, and miniature hell and purgatory and an abandoned town. Weird… but interesting.
I did note that I could buy Mjolnir for 100… and laughed. I could use an artifactual lightning weapon. “A truly devastating weapon belong to the Norse God Thor. Tremendously powerful in the hands of electrically inclined pagan gods and it can even incapacitate other pagan gods with a single blow… Some lesser gods might be killable with a well placed blow.” I could even import Soul of Ice into my Divine Weapon… but that would spend me out completely. I had to get flushbooks before I spent more.
All three of the low level Drawbacks were flavor and little more “Room For Two?” [+100] would make everyone assume Zane and I were lovers and we’d be forced to deny it and plagued by the creep factor of it all. That was doable so that got me back on track. Busty Asian Beauties [+100] would make me a obsessive perv, but that wasn’t much of a change, so I had little trouble taking it, which got me enough to get Mojo and the Hotel with the pie… I needed the sugar… and, well, pie! Pie better than HEAVEN could make! I could take Whiny, a drawback that made me… well… Rarity… but all it would get me was some more god companions. If I wanted anything worth buying, I’d need something with more oomph.
The 200 point drawbacks were no fun; a Drama spike, a Watch What You Eat spike, and an addiction to Demon Blood. No thanks. The 300 pointers made me an enemy of Heaven, Humanity, or Hell. I considered just settling for even… but a bit of soul searching told me I was going to get on Hell’s bad side regardless (not that I suspected the Angels of Heaven were much less of dicks), considering that demons are assholes, so I might as well take Enemy of Hell [+300] and get points for it. Flying under the radar when the fate of the world is on the line isn’t my gig.
That got me enough to get up to 300 points worth of stuff… but one of the lines from Enemy of Hell bugged me… Demons could possess my Allies. I could purify them, of course, but not before they caused… mischief. But there was an Item that blocked demonic possession… “Matching Tattoos” which was a Guaranteed Method to ward off demonic possession! And one that couldn’t be burned out of me… and was damned hard to burn off or remove from my allies… and I could apply it to anyone I wanted… And there was a matching one called ‘Angel Proofing’ that made one invisible to the divine powers of even archangels! Interesting stuff…
I wasn’t absolutely certain it would block possession in this setting if I took the Drawback… the drawback didn’t say anything about nullifying defenses… but it would be good going forward… especially since I could slap one of these things on any ally, not just a companion. Unfortunately, the pair cost 400, but I could cope with being a Whiny brat for a decade if it helped in the future.
That just left Ahab and Joy. I couldn’t stop them from importing, even if I wanted to, without another deal with the guy upstairs, but I could hint strongly that this might not be the best jump to come into. Didn’t work, of course. Action Junkies, the pair of them. They came in as a Monster (Ahab, a Shapeshifter who could become any human’s appearance, down to DNA, fingerprints… wounds)… and an Angel (Joy). Seriously? These two. Good lord. At least Ahab got his hands on free monster chow and all the borax we could use (apparently good against Leviathans) out of the deal… along with spooky eyes and the inability to be sent to heaven or hell. Joy got Angelic Radio, Holy Oil, and Angelic Grace… and the ability to possess people. So yay?
But sheesh… this world was fucked up and they were going in hardcore. Why? Because they’re insane. Clearly. Then again… how long would it take me to make sense of this place myself?
Four years! Four Fucking years. That’s how long it took me to make any god damned logical sense of the pantheonic clusterfuck that the mythology of this world is. Seriously, God apparently caged his sister “The Darkness” to create the world, then sealed her away inside the mark of Cain… which he gave to Lucifer, his most trusted angel… who got corrupted by it… only now God’s missing, Lucifer & Michael are plotting to bring about the motherfucking Apocalypse because why the hell not, and half the remaining Pagan Gods (And boy howdy are we fucking easy to kill in this universe, I’m wearing my armor all the time here and pulling like Zero punches any time anything supernatural looks at me crosseyed) are plotting against Lucifer… though some of these dipshits are planning on betraying each other to settle old grudges or because they think these two angelic fucks won’t betray them in turn. Morons.
Fucking Hell has a goddamned revolving door, Lucifer will break free any damned day now, and God is AWOL… oh, and haven’t heard word one about Mohammed or Jesus, so the show’s kinda a dick to the mythology it’s backing too. And these Archangels are turdfaced yahoos too.
Which goes a long way to explain why I’m in New York City watching the ball get ready to drop, on New Year’s Eve with Vivian primed to hijack every TV and Net Feed across the damned planet. I’ve decided to play this all on one roll of the damned dice, one massive fuck you that should never work, but since the supernatural in this world is objective fact, I can do this shit. I have the power.
See, way back in Civ, I bought the power to say things as they are, to speak truth and remove everyone’s blinders. So that’s what I’m going to do. Fuck secrecy. Fuck a war as old as time. Fuck keeping people in the dark. As the ball drops, I step up onto the podium, booting some idiot celebrity off with a kick and turn to face the crowd. I dial up the glamor to 15.
“Hello people of Earth. My Name is Skadi. I am the Goddess of Winter. That’s a fact. Watch as I freeze these nice policemen into statues. Don’t worry, they’re not dead. Watch as I make it snow… and make it stop. See? Goddess. All those other gods? Real. All of them. Oh, and the Archangel Michael and Lucifer are planning on bringing about the end of the world just to prove, once and for all, which of them loves Big G God more. They don’t even vaguely care about you mortals. Not even a little, except as tools or toys or vessels. Yes. Angels possess mortals just like Demons. Yay! You’re meat suits, don’t you feel good?
Oh, and to us Gods, you’re a source of power. We barely care about you either, except when we’re eating you or raping you or just making fun of you. See this? Watch as I create Paris Hilton and Justin Beiber and make them punch each other. I told you, I’m a goddess. But don’t worry… there are also monsters out there to kill you all, eat you up like snacks… yeah, they’re real too.”
I paused, grinning a grin that said I hate you all, each and every one of you. “But here’s the thing. It’s all a power game. It’s all about faith. And I’m speaking the absolute truth to you right now… all of you who are listening to my words… It doesn’t even matter if you speak English, because all I have to do is speak the truth. So here’s the truth. If you give me all your faith, all the faith you’ve ever wasted on these misanthropic, power mad fucknuggets, all the worship they’ve lied over and over and over again to get you to give to them… I’ll do my damnedest to stop them… oh, and I’ll even try and fix global warming for you? How’s that sound… oh, and if you want to sacrifice anyone to me… I like Priests. Especially the ones who preach hate and fear and tell you that if you give them money or murder someone for them they’ll make sure you get into heaven. I also really like Rapists, Criminals, and oppressive dictators. So, go kill them too.”
No Gods or Kings? Ha! In this world there were gods… and human biases had obscured the truth for so long… but Truth… ah… Truth… Truth shall set us free… and… I hope I never, ever… get to feel a rush like that again. I didn’t know how long it would last, but for the next little while, I had the faith of billions of very very betrayed people all lusting for revenge against the powers that be. Demons popped up like jack in the boxes, Angels swooped from the sky, Monsters boiled out of every dark space… and I showed them the power of a really pissed off humanity, acting as a conduit, paying back ages of abuse and neglect and sacrifice… I Erased them all… My power sunk deep into the fabric of this world and I scrubbed the Powers that Be away in one mounting wave of anger.
I tapped into the souls in Hell, the souls of Purgatory, all the collective rage of the human race and asked them if they’d surrender their existences to get revenge against an uncaring and brutal God… and they did… Such insanely massive power… no one should have it… no one at all… So I gave it to God… Finding him was childsplay with that much power. I gave it all to him, and with it a sense of just how monumentally he’d abused his power, his post, his sacred trust. He and his idiot bitch sister Amara and all the rest of them… gone… poof. As if they’d been a bunch of fairy tales all along.
And then I fixed Global Warming… and erased everyone’s memory of what had just happened. That’s the great thing about that power… and the terrible thing. I can change the past, but changing it won’t make anyone who wasn’t dead dead… and it won’t bring anyone who was killed back… and now there were no monsters… no demons… no angels… there were no gods but me… and no one knew I existed. Except my friends.
“Did you just… change the Paradigm of this world?”
“Ayup. It sucked… I want icecream.”
Next: World 30 – Hack the Gibson
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