MAGICAL SAPPHISM TOUR
Previously: Final Zolution
Themesong: Don’t Marry Her by the Beautiful South (clean version)
As I reentered the Warehouse, I noted with amusement that I had now, counting from my original world, run through a Major Arcana’s worth of worlds, and idly considered which was which… but I was distracted from my pointless mindwanking by the strains of “When you Wish Upon a Star”.
“Hey Zaaaane!” I said in a voice that definitely didn’t fit an entity of… however the fuck many century’s age I am now… 21 jumps… or was it 23… I could be in the middle of my 3rd century… but one jump was 5 decades… Or 6 depending on how one counted jumps… and did the time between the two halves of the Avatar jump / jumps count? I had the memories… Was the Civ Jump 10 years or 1230 times that long? I didn’t know. Time had become less… meaningful in the long run. Though in the immediate it was very pressing on occasion.
“I heart it. Don’t gotta be this smug.”
“Yes I dooooo!” I danced about. Didn’t know which Disney franchise the jump was, but any of them would be fun… except Bambi… icky icky Bambi. I looked at the machine, head tilted. “Disney… Princess” Oh… well then. “Rather than let you join any Disney Story you feel like, we’re making a Disney Kingdom which you are to be placed. You must choose three canon characters from Disney Animated Films to take on the roles of Princess, Hero, Villain, and Support. We did say three… you’ll be taking on the role of the fourth. And have fun!”
Zane snarked “So, you going to be the Princess or the Hero?”
“I…” I considered being the villain for a moment, then shook my head. I’d be a terrible villain. Too nice. “I’ll be the Support.”
“What? That’s… you… that’s boring!”
“Oh hush you. I’m not a Princess… I’m not young or pure… even when I was young I wasn’t pure. And princess outfits are icky.”
“Says the lady who has like 12 different harem outfits.”
“I look good in those! And they’re not for public wear!”
“I don’t think real Harems were exactly public.”
“Any idea who you’re going to cast?”
“Yeah… Lets make this a paean against British Colonialism.”
“Clayton, the quintessential Big Game Hunter. Very british. Good Villain.”
“Also one you can pwn with ease.”
“Zane, sweety, I could probably pwn Ursula or Maleficent by now. If Pwnage was an issue I could just pick Cruella D’Ville. She’s got the fighting ability of a frail old lady. Or Si and Am. They’re cats. Or hell, I could pick Sher Khan… He’s a tiger. Or Scar… a Lion. They’re not magical super tigers or lions… they’re just fairly decent big cats. That’s why I’m not the Hero. Even Mother Gothel is just a hedgewitch. Hans and Hook don’t actually have any powers either.”
“Right… good point. So who’s the Princess? Pocahantas? Mu-Lan? Esmerelda? Is there anyone the British didn’t abuse at some point?”
“Really? Huh… okay. I guess that works. And that makes Aladin the hero?”
“But she’s a princess!”
“Only in that craptastic sequel. She’s the Hero in her movie. She saves the Emperor and he calls her the Hero of China. She’s a warrior and a Hero. Plus, she could be a lesbian, though the role doesn’t say the Hero and Princess have to fall for each other. This is about self determinism and throwing off the patriarchy… monarchy… colonialarchy.”
“And you love me for it. Anyway, the original Aladdin is set in western (i.e. muslim) China.”
I spun for the location. Didn’t really matter where it was as long as it wasn’t Louisiana or Wonderland. There is a lot of space between “Arabia” and “China”. Got the Desert. Excellent. I love heat. Fuck it… I move the Desert to the Gobi. Jasmine can be a Mongol Princess. Romeo and Juliet for the fate of nations. Dunno if the jump will agree with me, but Mongolia gets nowhere near enough play in fiction.
Everyone gets “Sing a Little Song” because this is Disney, which allows you to burst into song at any time. You’ll know the words and won’t stumble over diction. Any Song perks or magic can be combined with this ability… but it doesn’t come with a great singing voice… so I’m sure to annoy people. Since I’ve gone Support, that pretty much means I have to be a Drop-In, which is fine by me. That gets me the Sidekick Song for free (With this song you can improve moods or motivate individuals or crowds and everyone will like you more. This effect can be subtle or obvious.). Well, cool.
Might as well pick up the Princess’s “I Am Song” (Establish your identity with a tune, wards off up to mid-level mind control, the corrupting influence of various magics and lower level demonic possession, with more powerful and passionate performances increasing the effect) and the Hero’s “I Want Song” (You know what you want and you know how you want it. By the end of this song, you’ll receive a very direct idea of how to get what you want. Sing for true love and you might run into a stranger who can set you up with someone. Sing for victory in war and end up finishing your number standing on the tip of a Howitzer.) Talk about Deus Ex… song. They’re each (100) but worth it… hell, I’ll even scoop up the Villain Song for the full set (Commune with dark forces or enhance magic with your songs. The more flamboyant you act while singing, the greater the effect it has on your magic.) Excellent, song magic [700/1000].
I scoop up “I’ll Make a Man out of you!” just in case I get Mu-Lan before her training (I has Genre Savvy… just hope it’s not Wrong Genre). Not only is it hedging my bets, but it’s discounted and a pretty decent perk for the price (Become the best personal trainer ever. You’ll be able to teach nearly any physical skill to anyone and to increase someone’s strength, agility, speed, poise, grace, and endurance to their own best potential.) Hard to Argue with that… (though I suspect I’ll have to know the skill to actually teach it.) (100) [600/1000]
Since I’m going for Supportive, I might as well take “Simply Profound” for (200) [400/1000] (You always seem to know what to say to get people out of that rut in their lives. In fact, with carefully chosen words and a few years to train them up, you can reshape someone’s entire philosophy. An extremely stubborn person may only make minor changes, but a weak-willed person with end up putty in your hands.) I can use that, I suspect. That said, I don’t take “The Cavalry”. It’s just… not worth the hassle. Can’t summon allies more powerful than the person you’re helping? What’s the point of that?
I want to import my companions so I can inflict… I mean so they can enjoy the singing and lighthearted frippery… and only occasional genocidal invasions. (200) [200/1000] gets me the full 8 and gets each of them 200 CP of their own to spend. I look around at my family and consider who needs to be “punished” more. Joy and Ahab are a certainty. Toph and Kendra are both really up tight too. Zane. Mmmm… The Hibikis, I like having them at my back. That leaves… Ziggy! My animal buddy. Heh.
Nothing else screams buy me, so let’s look at drawbacks. I laugh at Suitor. Good. I can work with a loathsome, philandering, egotistical person who wants me to marry them for completely selfish reasons. The fact that I’ll be unable to just outright kill this Humperdink should give me some nice motivation. And the Outside Tech Discouragement Policy is just… gravy. (any device or object not copyrighted to disney and not generic enough to be from a disney property is outright banned… unless I build it in jump. Any ability from a non-disney property has to be renamed before it can be used.) I’d probably take that just because. Each of those net me (+200) [600/1400]… I’ve never taken DBs just to take them before… this is interesting… I actually have CP left to burn.
I consider recruiting Elsa or Kida or Turk… but decide not to mess with their timelines… I’m not even certain how it would affect their native timelines. Almost everyone I’ve recruited has been dead, uncanonical, or superfluous to the canon. Elsa’s a Queen and Kida’s… whatever you call the ruler of Atlantis… Chieftain? High Priestess? I consider Amelia, the Cat-Captain from Treasure Planet… but she’s not a princess… I wonder if there’s a Treasure Island / Treasure Planet / Muppets’ Treasure Planet Jump. That last would be weird.
I then consider importing Zane as the princess… but that would be silly and mean. Don’t need a Genie. Already have a “Wizard Stick” and a Magic Sword. Eh. I scoop up “Tres Bell” for (400) [200/1400] to make me classically beautiful, my movements graceful, and guarantee I’ll look my best even while crying or screaming. People will slay dragons for my hand in marriage and quests will be done in my name. Yus. Worship me mortals!
I’m still 200 up, and that makes me consider ditching one of the DBs… but they sound like doable challenges, so I scoop up the 4 person flying carpet just in case I need transpo on this Disney Approved Romp. 50 MPh isn’t great, but eh.
I start singing “A Whole New World” just to get on everyone’s nerves.
What can I say about Disney Mongolia? It was cold, desolate, full of very fuzzy camels, and had way too many Yurts. My suitor was Genghis Khan… yes… that one. It was… ummm… the term “Vast Army” doesn’t really begin to describe it. I said no… he conquered Nishapur and beheaded everyone just to prove he was manly enough… and he sang a song about it. And he wasn’t even the badguy!
No. That was Clayton, bountyhunter and douchebag, hunting us across China, India, and Arabia to recover the Great Khan’s Neice “Jasmine” from the Chinese Army Commander “Mu-Lan”. Did I mention the singing? So much singing. It was awesome. 1,001 nights? Ha! We skipped across the wilds of Asia getting into trouble for more than three times that. It was like the ultimate Disney Roadtrip… Along the Silk Road. No Zombies, some flesh eating ghouls, but no zombies. And behind us, always behind us, Clayton and his boomstick.
I was frankly getting annoyed at the number of times I’d been shot by him. He was relentless, the Determinator, always returning week after week as if he had the freaking Joke… jo… right… as if he had Dr. Drakken’s agent. Oh yes, not having my weapons, armor, space shuttle… these were all frustrating. I’d been to too many WB properties. Why couldn’t I have been to the Marvel Cinema Universe or the Star Wars verse? A lightsaber would have been excellent. Coming up with names for my abilities that weren’t intellectually copyright was a trick into and of itself. I had to Repear! To WaterWarp and FireFlow. To call upon the Frozenness. To boost myself with my InnerWeave. I had to consciously rename everything, and think of them in those terms, or it wouldn’t ffrrrgggn work… and I couldn’t swear.
Sex was okay though. Apparently that was offscreen… or maybe just in the rule 34 section. There was very much sexing. Often with singing. Was there a plotline? Not really. Clayton, Shan Yu, Genghis, Jaffar… or one of the other enemies of the week would show up, we’d have hijinks, sing, escape. Celebrate. Sometimes there was a moral. Most times not.
Yes, taking “I’ll make a Man out of you was useful.” Sure, Mulan was the hero of China, but Jasmine had no practical skills at all. One song montage later and she was a credible ninja. Me? I was a Stone Monkey… same species as Sun Wukong, the Monkey King. Of course, I could shapeshift, but I was a totally mystical creature… and that’s why Ghengis wanted me. Apparently I was a very pretty flaming stone monkey. My fur was apparently pure golden. Which explained why Clayton wanted me dead. Plus the whole abomination of sapphic love.
Toph also wanted to kill me. She’d taken “I want Song”… and she used it… to complain… graphically… and then take out the grumpiness on me. It was kinda fun, plus she kept forgetting that she wasn’t… shall we say bending the stones, but StoneShaping. She was a mu-shu style dragon… still blind, but with the whole hisssy forked tongue… and green instead of red.
Joyhab were actually getting into the silliness of it all. There were so few consequences for them (they’d beamed in as Yetis… the Monsters Inc kind), so they mostly just lounged around and acted snarky. Ziggy was a Red Panda… and enjoyed climbing into Clayton’s pants and biting him. Being a Mon helped, since he was often getting shot, right before Clayton got his ass kicked by upwards of four girls… or more, since much of our exploits involved freeing girls and women from bad situations. The Hibiki’s were a pig and bear demon, who mostly tagged along for the food. Kendra was a Naga. Zane a Fu Dog. We were a total menagerie of Chinese and Indian cryptofauna.
The Disney Princess world wasn’t as clean and nice as everyone might have thought. It had darkness everywhere, and horrible things did happen… almost always off camera, but remember, this was the world where Bambi’s mother is killed, where Shan Yu obliterated entire villages, where Dumbo is scorned, where there is an island funfair that turns little boys into donkeys, where Syndrome murdered superheroes, where… you get the picture. Just… few of those things happen on screen.
I so wanted to dunk Clayton in Jusen… gender shifting water, but unfortunately it was apparently counted as technology and no matter how I renamed it, I couldn’t bring it through. Ah well, being a girl was too good for him. Also, humiliating him week after week was amusing… except when he did something truly horrible… at which point I usually tried killing him… but that wasn’t my role… so Mulan had to do it… but no matter what she did to big C, he always seemed to survive. We even tried tricking him into fighting us in a liana and vine rich jungle. Twice. Neither time did he accidentally hang himself.
If at first you don’t succeed… try 240 times. Disney has it in for villains… if he was going to escape his traditional downfall, we just had to keep trying proven methods until something worked. Eventually we tricked him into the badlands and got him eaten by hyenas. Muskets only reload so fast.
There wasn’t a central problem to fix, so it remained unfixed. China didn’t fall to the Mongols, British, or Japanese while I was there, but who knows what the history would tell. All things considered, it was as much a vacation as any jump I’d been to, albeit a working vacation.
Still, by the end… I was a little burned out on all the emoting. I’d been a Vulcan too long to be this free with smiles and happiness. I was also wondering what the next world would hold. So we said our goodbyes and gathered on the traditional beach, though we did give a rousing chorus of “A Whole New World” before the Pillars of Time rose from the sands. I’ll have to schedule a Return here… the wedding is this fall.
Next: Ain’t Doing Jack
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It strikes me, reading back through this, that I skipped the part where I lay out my companions purchases. Of course, everyone got “Sing a Little Song”, but Zane, Ziggy, and Kendra also picked up “Grit Your Teeth”, a boost that means “When it comes time to push through your problems, you can push through them. Train longer, run farther, fight off that magic spell, swim through the waters of hell if you have to. You can be slowed down, but not stopped.” Damned tempting, that.
Toph picked up “I’ll Make a Man Out of You!” after we played her the song. Joy snagged “Secret Messenger” which is described as “There is always a way to contact someone, and be contacted in return. Send someone you love a perfumed handkerchief, memorize the symbolic nature of flowers for a bouquet, develop an encryption that it would take the NSA thirteen years to crack and broadcast it as a smoke signal (though that last one may take a few days and a code-book for the intended receiver)” while Ahab picked up the nasty little “Black Magic”… I guess he was tired of everyone else having the witchy way. “You can do some basic black magic. You can hypnotize the simple-minded by staring them in the eye, transfer small amounts of youth and beauty from a willing subject, do minor cosmetic changes like removing moles, and cast illusions to disguise yourself and your servants. Your power may grow through training or by finding a teacher.”
Ryoga picked up the “I Want” and “I Am” Songs, while his sister picked up the Sidekick and “I Want” Songs. Good kids, glad to have them with me.
SJ’s Arcana Mindwank
- 0 – The Fool / Origin Earth
- I – The Mage: Harry Potter
- II – The Priestess: Avatar
- III – The Empress: Kill La Kill
- IV – The Emperor: Civilization
- V – The Hierophant: Great Detective
- VI – The Lovers: PMD
- VII – The Chariot: The Elder Scrolls
- VIII – Strength: Ranma 1/2
- IX – The Hermit: Bastion
- X – The Wheel of Fortune: Star Trek
- XI – Justice: Mass Effect
- XII – The Hanged Man: Metal Gear
- XIII – Death: Infamous
- XIV – Temperance: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- XV – The Devil: GZA
- XVI – The Tower: Pokemon Trainer
- XVII – The Star: Lord of the Rings
- XVIII – The Moon: Swat Kats
- XIX – The Sun: Mother
- XX – Judgement: Great Detective
- XXI – The World: Final Fantasy VII