OF AMAZONS & CP
Previously: Star Trek TOS Finale
Themesong: Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
Right, let’s see… Age… 1d8+11? Okay… 3… I’m 14? Great. Junior High Squad all the way. Origins… Oh, who am I kidding. Amazon. Amazons are awesome. They have the best stuff, and I can learn Chinese. (the Japanese will, of course, be dubbed into English. I’d actually had to put in the time to learn Klingonese on the last jump. I tried to learn Vulcan, but I just heard it as English… which is weird, because I also heard English as English (except with a British Accent.) I’d had to actively switch between my Harry Potter Voice and my American Original Voice to switch languages. So weird. I still had no idea what the Asari language sounded like.) [100/900/1000] for Amazon, making me from the somewhat technologically impaired society that dwelled in the Bayankala mountain range in central China, bound by tribal laws and traditions that guide our lives. I instantly lost some of my respect for Zane and Uriel and gained a bit of a vindictive streak. Well, this would be annoying. But I’d muddle through. I also gained a vague set of memories about my childhood and the constant martial arts training and all the fights against my Amazon sisters… and pummeling stupid boys who wanted me to marry them. I also developed an intense love-hate complex for Cologne, the eldest of the Amazon Matriarchs… and PTSD for hearing her bellow my name, which was… and at this point I cringed… “Soap.”. I was going to be called Soap for 10 years. I briefly considered changing my mind, but that would mean becoming Japanese, which was bad.
I had to clear my head at that point and take a couple of days to work through the sudden intense racism that flashed through my mind at the idea of not only all outsiders, but especially of the Japanese. Woo. Well, this was going to be interesting. My new persona had… opinions. Half formed, childish, and ignorant in the extreme.
Eventually, after much Icecream and Ziggy Snuggling, I went back to the machines. Curse time, of course. I looked at the massive board of curses, then pulled the lever, setting it in motion. I placed my hands above the stop button, and, muttering the ancient mantra “No Whammies. No Whammies.” hit it. The flashing box tick, tick, ticked, advancing 3 random places as I’d expected, and landed on “Spring of Drowned Fish.”
“Fish?” I asked, sounding confused. “How does Fish Drown?”
Great, I was speaking in broken Japanenglish already.
The screen cleared and it said “Just Kidding! You get to pick your curse, you lucky person you!”
“I wanna be a dragon!” I said at once.
“From any normal non-magical non-chimera creature.”
“Fiine. I want to be an Amur Leopard. They’re awesome! And fluffy!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah… Course I…” I thought about it for a long moment, childish enthusiasm warring with my logical overmind. I could already turn into a massive Apex Predator. I sighed, then said “No. Never mind. This is about entertaining the people who pay the bills. I know what the Boss wants to see, no matter how… ooogy it is. Give me the Classic. Gotta have the Classic. It’s tradition. At least this is Ranma ½ and not Futaba-no-Change.”
“You got it, babe. Or should I say dude!?” And a bucket of water dumped all over me… then the bucket bounced off my head. My clothes were suddenly too tight and everything looked smaller. I was tall. Very tall. And muscular. I was huge!
“Wait, what the hell? Ranma-kun is only like 6 inches taller than Ranma-Chan!”
“You were at the very bottom of the normal human height range. The Curse has now placed you at the far end of that spectrum… and swung your athletic body type to the other extreme from gymnast build.” I looked at my arms. They weren’t bodybuilder arms, but they were professional Beach Volleyball player big. And my chest was ripped, as were my abs. I was no longer cute. I was 2 meters of solid man… and my panties were absolutely killing me. This was going to take careful wardrobe planning.
After discovering that I couldn’t shapeshift into any of my other forms besides my Animagus form while in my cursed male form, I again excused myself from the magical Vending Machines and went in search of larger clothing, trying not to whimper as every step nearly crushed my new found junk. Ouch… fuck, how do men even walk? I could barely waddle.
Wearing one of Zane’s bathrobes, I returned to the machine, still wincing a bit as my tender bits returned from their panty induced frontal wedgie. Perks and Powers was next.
I was developing a bit of a system for dealing with the VMoDs… Free stuff first, discounted stuff second, then we’d move to equipment and drawbacks, then come back and spend the remainder. It worked… though, sometimes I wondered if I was too structured with my life, but then the old Gamer in me just laughed. As if there was such a thing as too structured.
First up, Amazon Durability, free for Amazons of course. Thanks to a lifetime… or at least childhood… of constant training, I’d learned how to take a hit and keep going. Apparently, the Amazon definition of taking a hit had less to do with punches and kicks and more to do with giant boulders, bearpaw swipes, or the occasional high speed automobile. I could vividly remember being thrown or smashed through any number of walls, trees, and the occasional aforementioned giant boulder… and getting back up without a scratch. Well then, no such thing as being too damage resistant, now was there.
Discounts, Discounts. Love me some Discounts. Jewish Vulcan Pureblood Asari Pokemon Amazon Princess. That’s me. Hidden Weapon Space… the ability to hide just about any weapon about my body, no matter how awkward or large, no matter how many other weapons I’d already got stashed, with no one able to tell? Yes please. Memories of Mouse pulling hundreds of chains, staff-weapons, or duck-potties out of thin air was too good to pass up. I was already wondering if Plasma Rifle Fu was a thing. [200/800/1000]
Supreme Amazon Ki Technique? Chestnut Fist? Gimme… wait, what do you mean that’s not one of the two choices? Chestnut Fist is awesome… but it’s not really a Ki technique, I guess. Bakusai Tenketsu or Hiryu Shoten Ha? Breaking Point or Rising Dragon Punch? Explode pretty much anything non-organic or magically reinforced with a poke (comes with effective immunity to bluntforce trauma) or the ability to create an actual tornado with a punch? Well, HSH relies upon cold ki, and I was a master of that… or would be soon. I could practically figure that one out for myself without instruction. BaTen would be harder, and more painful. Plus, if I knew BaTen, maybe I’d have an easier time getting Cologne to teach me Chestnut Fist. Still, 300 is a lot… but it’s better than paying full price. [300/500/1000]
Item Shopping now… Dragon Whisker? Why? Magical Incenses? Ugh. Joybuzzer? Laaame. Smug Opera Glasses? Umm… no. Jellyfish Swimsuit? Well that’s just… perverted. Wind Fan? Flame-Staff? Cheesey. OOooo… Bandanna of Infinite Bandannas! Ryouga’s least talked about power! Must have! It’s pretty cheap too. [50/450/1000] But Tiger Stripes are his thing, not mine. Mine shall be… random Semaphore Flags that spell out snide messages for anyone patient enough to step through the footage and decode! Yes! DVD Extras!
Mmm, water of life? Not the right water of life. Instant jusenkyo water, wears off, usable to give a target 1 curse and then they become immune to that curse. Respawns once a week? Tempting, but no. A Barrel of Ju-Water? 4 doses from whichever 1 curse I’ve filled it with… resets once per jump? Oh, baby. Yes please. Too much fun. Girl Curse Water, of course. “You get a curse and You get a curse and you get a Curse!” Hahaha. Linkette! Marioette! Kuno-chan! Bwahahaa! This will be awesome! I’m going to get into so much trouble. Oh, and if they come with me, after a jump ends the curse becomes just another form. That’s cool. Ooooh… neat. That means I get boy form at will in future… might be handy. Especially if I’m every in like Ancient Rome or something. [200/250/1000]
Imprinting Egg… makes any one it’s used on firmly and completely obedient to the Egg’s master. Can be used as permanent stasis, respawns at the start of next jump… only 200? Tempting. If I still had Evil Me I might take it… wait… I bet Buffyverse is one of the jumps. Oh, shit. Vampire Slutty Evil Me! SOLD! [200/50/1000] Crap… what do I spend 50 on? Disads first, I guess.
MMmm Ohhh… Neat. Plague of Fanfic… for 0 I can turn this Ranmaverse into one of the better Fanfic Ranmaverses… what’s the 100 point version? Badly written Fanfiction? Oh god, no. Baaad. That would ruin immersion and make my head hurt. Gah! Tempting, I’ll come back. It’s point neutral. No, wait… haha. I know what I’ll do… I typed in my request and the system considered, then agreed and altered the timeline just enough to make Yoiko (Ryoga’s fictional sister that Ranma sometimes pretends to be and that Ryoga’s too stupid to realize he doesn’t have) canon. So now Ranma’s pretending to be someone who actually exists but is as clueless about directions as her brother. I wonder what she’ll be like.
Wow. A lot of these are pretty cool. Fiance Magnet is a must. I must have a large number of insane suitors! Everyone must fight over (and with) me! No Peace! Peace is boring! Bwahaha. Oh, I’m going to regret this. [+200/250/1200]. Curse of the Cat Fist? Haha! Yes! Must be aluraphobic! Insane Final attack, Deep Psychological Trauma! Bring it on! [+100/350/1300]. Locked Curse? Tempting, but naw. Seppuku Pledge? Hah. No. Second Worst Parents Ever… yeah, that pretty much describes Genma and Nodoka… But no. I don’t need an idiot brother. I have Zane.
Kitchen Destroyer? Haha. Oh dear. I am immune to poison. Haha. Heehee. Okay, Sure, Akane has a new Rival! And not in a good way! [+100/450/1400] That gives me 450 left to spend. Lets see. More Perks. Some Kind of Ninja? More stealth? Excellent. Its served me well in the past, might as well get better at it. [100/350/1400]. Martial Acrobatics… ability to bounce around like a rubber ball, do a standing jump right over another person with no effort? Wall Run, Roof hopping, longfall… I can use that. [100/250/1400]. Weirdly Specific Martial Arts! Hmmm… What would I choose… Gaming Fu? Ferret Fu? Lazy Fu? Dispatcher Fu? Editor Fu? Fu Fu? Heh. ohhh… Anything Goes is on here… despite being weirdly non-specific. Well then, who can say no to that? [200/50/1400]
Oh… holy… shit… How’d I miss this the first time… Copycat Technique? As in, the Copycat Technique… crap… it’s 600 unless I’m a drop in… well… I’m not changing my origin… so it’s 600… which means I have to give up Some Kind of Ninja and Weirdly Specific Martial Arts… and Bakusai Tenketsu… but I can learn them all again in jump, right? With Copycat, of course! No brainer really. Of course, copied Bakusai Tenketsu doesn’t give me the toughness boost cause that’s from training, but I’m tough as is and I can always do the training… I regen. This is going to hurt, but it’ll be worth it.
Crap. still got 50… oh, shoot, forgot to look for companion imports. They need some goofball fun. Holy Shit! Companion Import is free? 8 for free? They each get a background and the freebie perk for that background… and a curse! Haha. Oh, this will be fun. And I can buy Perks for half price for them. Excellent.
They won’t mind if I spin for them, right? Zane first. I hope he gets piggy. Nooo… hahah… Even Better. Zane is a Girl! I can hear yelping from inside the house. Amazon of course, which gives him Amazon Durability. Excellent. Rocky second… ack… a c-c-cccaaaaat! Well, maybe that will be helpful? Maybe. Make him a Drop In so he can have Some Kind of Ninja. Ninja Metagross. Hahaha. AJ gets… Girl! I love this wheel. I wonder if he can turn into a Gardevoir? Hold on, must check. Hahahaah… yes! Excellent! He’s kept his shapeshifting for that one thing! I love Jump Logic! Galladavoir! Snerk. Martial Artist with Martial Acrobatics. I’ll be nice. He… she looks freaked.
Francine… Piglet. Innocent Bystander. She’s the most Kasumi-like. Give her some Home Making Skills, maybe a maid’s uniform. She does have a cute bottom in human form. Still obsessed with Spoons though. Dyna… is a duck. A Duck. A Deoxys Duck. Well, she was complaining that she wasn’t getting enough stuff from Jumps. Better make her a martial Artist with Martial Acrobatics. She is an Attack Type Deoxys. Good thing she didn’t fall into a genderpool. I think the universe would have broken… I call her she, but Dynamo is, like all Deoxys, Genderless. RayRay next. Dog. Okay. Amazon Dog. Hell, if She (and yeah, I know Rayquazas are Genderless, but I had to chose one when I brought her into Harry Potter. I figured Dragons lay Eggs so maybe Rayquazas are all female and reproduce asexually. Regardless.
That leaves Uriel, if he wants to come. Eh. Might as well curse him just for shits and giggles. Hah! Girl! Oh dear. I’ll make him an Innocent Bystander too. He should earn his upkeep. After all, I only get enough food for 5. I’ve had to import food from Potemkin for him sometimes. Just cause he’s… she was an Emperor, doesn’t mean she gets to freeload. Do the dishes maybe. Oh! Hah. Hearthfire! Heh. I’ve got 50 to spend… With Innocent Bystander and Companion Discount, Construction Master is only 50! Alright Uriel. Prepare to become our own private Repair and Construction Monkey! Bwahaha! [1400/1400]. FYI for all concerned “Construction Masters” have figured out the secret of Fast & Cheap & Quality. They’re skilled at Repair and Construction. Nerima has (apparently) many of them, or it would be rubble by now.
I was just reaching for the finalize button when Ziggy yawned, squirmed on my shoulder, and… fell off onto the Curse Randomizer. I hadn’t considered Importing my furry little friend. He hasn’t been imported into any setting as anything actually human. He’s got two forms; Linoone (which is a kinda ferretlike Pokemon) and European Polecat, which is a British Ferret, the second of which has served him through HP, TES, and TOS. He’s a smart little guy, but he’s not human smart. He shook himself, head tilted to watch the flashing lights, then yelped as water splashed all over him (He’s not scared of water, and he can swim just fine… he just doesn’t like getting wet if he can help it… unless we’re playing at the pool. He’s kinda, you know, silly like that.)
A Fish icon flashed on the screen, and he tried to poke it, but lost his balance and rolled off the machine onto the floor behind me. “Amur Leopard?” the system asked. I chuckled “Sure. What’s an amazon without her giant fuzzy predator.” I’m an idiot. I selected Drop In to give Ziggy some well needed Stealth skills (Thump, thump, clatter, thump.) and hit finalize… then realized, to my horror, that I’d made my pet ferret into a 200 pound cat.
The world went spinning and I landed in the mountains of China with a leopard licking my face. I screamed and passed out
Next: Nerima Actual