What can I say about Star Fleet or a Constitution Class Starship that you don’t already know? If you don’t know the show, you won’t understand. If you know it, you don’t need any help. Right? Wrong. First, the shows and books do a terrible job of showing that these things are military vessels run like military vessels, with military crews. With that in mind, let me demonstrate. And before you ask, the reason there are so many x3’s is because there are three shifts or watches; Alpha, Beta, Gamma. Each is usually 6 hours long. 6 On, 12 off. Keeps focus… focused. So when Captain Kirk calls “All Hands On Deck, that means everyone gets up from whatever the frack they’re doing and runs to their assigned duty station to back up whoever’s on shift. Sometimes that means standing around with your thumb in your butt. Of course, if you’re senior to whoever’s on shift, you kick them off and make them stand around looking useless. And what, you ask, do all these people do when there isn’t a crisis? They make sure everything’s working for when there is a crisis. Run Drills, fix stuff, clean stuff. It’s boring as hell from what I’ve seen, but they should have gone to the academy if they wanted to have fun. Ha. Ha. Ha. I mean fill out reports. That’s about 90% of an Officer’s Job. or Charts, if you’re a doctor.
USS Potemkin (NCC-1657) Constitution Class
70 Officers (SO – Senior, JO – Junior) / 430 Crew (PO – Petty, CR -Crew)
- Command: Captain (SO), First Officer (SO), Bosun’s Mate (PO), Captain’s Yeoman (CR). Yeoman Rand is this for Kirk.
- Engineering Division: Chief Engineering Officer (SO), Chief Engineer’s Yeoman (CR), 24 Junior Officers, 73 Petty Officers, 157 additional Crew
- Engines & Power: Main Bridge Engineering Station (1 JO)x3, Main Engineering (1 JO, 3 PO, 12 CR)x3, Impulse Engineering (1 JO, 2 PO, 6 CR)x3, Primary Hull Battery Room (1 PO, 1 CR)x3, Secondary Hull Battery Room (1 PO, 1 CR)x3, Primary Hull Circuit Breaker Room (1 PO, 1 CR)x3, Secondary Hull Circuit Breaker Room (1 PO, 1 CR)x3, Environmental (1 PO, 3 CR)x3
- Transporter Room: Transporter Operations Officers (2 JO), Watch Standers (3 PO, 3 CR)x3… I know, you’re thinking “But SJ, none of those rooms on the show were big enough for 6 people.” Well, smart guy, there are four main transport rooms with the 6 man porters. There are also two cargo transporters in the cargo bays and five 22 man emergency teleporters. The four main transporters are all on deck 7 and in pairs, starboard and port, across the hall from each other. Typically, only 2-3 are manned at any time, depending on if there’s any one on an away mission. The others are being maintenanced, checked, or whatever else the TOO is doing. Miles O’Brien is a Petty Officer, which is why he gets to run the console and not have to do most of the scutwork.
- Maneuvering & Ordnance: Helm (1 JO)x3, Ordnance Operations Officer (2 JO… Sulu, Worf), Bridge Weapon Weapons Control Station (1 PO)x3, Phaser Room (1 PO, 2 CR)x3, Energy-Field Station (1 PO, 2 CR)x3, Torpedo Bay(1 PO, 4 CR)x3. Sulu, Chekov, Data, Jordy, and gitboy… er. Sorry, I should clarify, gitboy could be either Tom Paris or Wesley Crusher. Both work.
- Maintenance & Repair: M&R Operations Officer (2 JO), Main Bridge Auxiliary Systems Monitor (1 CR)x3, Maintenance Team (1 PO, 3 CR)x3
- Damage Control: Damage Control Operations Officer (2 JO), Damage Control Center (1 PO, 2 CR)x3, Main Bridge Damage Control Monitoring Station (1 CR)x3, Damage Control Team (2 PO)x3
- Technical Supply: Technical Supply Officer (2 JO)
- Landing Bay Operations: Landing Bay Operations Officer (2 JO), Landing Bay Control Room (1 PO, 2 CR)x3, Primary Hull Starboard Docking Complex (1 CR)x3, Primary Hull Port Docking Complex (1 CR)x3, Flight Deck (1 PO, 4 CR)x3, Shuttle Crews (4 PO, 4 CR)
- Science Division: Chief Science Officer (SO), Chief Science Officer’s Yeoman (CR), 24 Junior Officers, 9 Petty Officers, 24 additional Crew. Spock who was also 1st officer, Data who was also 2nd officer, Tuvok who was also 2nd officer.
- Navigation & Sensors: Main Bridge Navigator’s Station (1 JO)x3, Sensor Room (1 PO, 2 CR)x3. MBN… that’s the person who sits next to Data or Chekov. Sulu did Navigation once Chekov got Helm.
- Communications: Main Bridge Communications Station (1 JO)x3… yes, Uhura
- Computer Operations: Computer Operations Officer (2 JO), Main Computer Room (1 PO, 1 CR)x3, Backup Computer Room (1 PO, 1 CR)x3
- Research & Analysis: Astrophysics (2 JO), Planetology (2 JO), History & Archeology (2 JO), Anthropology & Sociology (2 JO), Zoology (2 JO), Botany (2 JO), Genetics (2 JO), Chemistry & Physics (2 JO), Lab Technicians (12 CR). This is pretty much the cushiest job on the entire ship. Unless there’s an away mission or something to study, you pretty set your own schedule. But if there’s an emergency that relies on your section and you blow it… byebye career.
- Security Division: Chief Security Officer (SO), Chief Security Officer’s Yeoman (CR), 6 Junior Officers, 6 Petty Officers, 60 additional Crew. Yar, Worf, Chakotay (also 1st officer), Worf, Sulu (also Helm / Navigator… Kirk liked his people to multitask)
- Security Teams: Six Teams, all with 1 JO, 1 PO, and 10 Crew. Typically in 3 hour Patrols, 3 hour Training, 3 hour Standby that are staggered so one team is always doing Patrols, another is Training, and a third is on Standby. Sure, they claim they’re overworked, but really? They’re walking about for 3 hours in climate controlled areas on flat decks, then lifting weights and wrestling and shooting targets for 3 hours, then sitting on their asses for 3 hours… and they get a meal break after Patrol and another during Standby. Loafing around more like. Half the time they’re playing poker or Dom Jot… and a lot of their training seems to be Paresi Squares or Basketball.
- Medical Division: Chief Medical Officer (SO), Chief Medical Officer’s Yeoman (CR), 5 Junior Officers, 5 Petty Officers, 34 additional Crew. Bones, Crusher, Bashir
- Practitioners: Assistant Medical Officer (2 JO… including Me), Psychotherapist (1 JO… shut up), Dentist (1 JO), Chief Nurse (1 PO… cause even in the future, nurses get no respect)
- Sickbay: Nurses (1 PO, 4 CR)x3, Medical Technicians (3 CR)x3, Medical Research Technicians (3 CR)x2
- Recreation: Recreation Officer (1 JO), Recreation Personnel (1 PO, 4 CR)… okay, I lied before. These guys seriously have it easy. Except for, you know, having to remind people to relax.
- Services Division: Chief Services Officer (SO), Chief Services Officer’s Yeoman (CR), 6 Junior Officers, 7 Petty Officers, 46 additional Crew. Yes, this is really a senior position. No, you never see this person on any of the ships except Voyager where it seems to be Neelix’s job. Because Fuck Logistics apparently.
- Supply: Quartermaster (2 JO), Quartermaster’s Yeoman (1 CR), Cargo Bay Operations (1 PO, 12 CR)… no, i’m not going to make snark about these guys. Sure, they’re desk jockeys, but the ship would not function without them and they get zero respect.
- Commissary: Commissary Operations Officer (2 JO), Galley (1 PO, 4 CR)x3
- Janitorial: Janitorial Operations Officer (2 JO), Janitorial Detail (1 PO, 7 CR)x3. Know how 26 people can keep a ship this big clean? They can’t. That’s why all the crewmen are constantly keeping their own areas clean and maintained.
There, don’t you feel more enlightened? Well, good. Now, my ship. Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you who filled every damned position. First off, while I did memorize the entire roster, it changed, a lot. Also, that would be boring… yes, even more boring than the table above… which often had holes because that up there is the theory and we were always below “establishment” Hell, even the Enterprise usually was and it’s the damned flagship.
Anyway, the big shots are all you care about. The Captain was Ernst Rademacher, a Human, from Old New York, Quiet, Aggressive, Tall, Muscular, Salt & Pepper Hair, Hazel Eyes, 53 years old. The XO was Commander Sherwood Braunstein, also human, a little absentminded, often contradictory, 47, Brown Eyes, Rosy Complexion, Stocky, Athletic, from New Manilla. Moments from getting her own command. The Second Officer, and our Chief Services Officer, was Lt. Commander Stacey Struchen. A Human/Vulcan Hybrid, she was relaxed, almost serene, 37, raised on Earth by her human father and Vulcan mother, in Lima Peru. Green eyes, pale complexion, wavy brown hair worn in ponytail. Average Height, Well-Built. Though she wasn’t senior staff by any stretch of the imagination, our Uhura or Harry Kim counterpart was Senior Comms Officer Lt. Sindy Lenci. An original and surprising woman, 23 years old, attractive. Grey Eyes, Olive Complexion, Platinum Blonde, Short. From Xiphias III… excellent in bed. Our Worf was Tactical Officer Lt. Char Cring, an upright if somewhat reserved Tellarite in his early 30s. He had dark eyes, freckles, curly red hair, and was both tall and a little chunky, but not in a bad way. He hailed from Triangulum Beta III. Our Spock was Chief Science Officer Sumit b’Onno, an inscrutable and extremely proper Acadian. My boss was Chief Medical Officer Lt Commander Asuna Yue, Female, Human, Neo Okinawa, New Japan. Attractive but no nonsense. Collected pre-war manga of all things. Our Scotty was Chief Engineer, Commander Kobok, an active but charmless Vulcan male, above average in height and fairly athletic. He better not go into Pon Farr anywhere near me. Our Chief Security Officer was Lt. Shyvav Th’iryrrath, an ambitious and pragmatic Andorian female from Taxus VI. Short and slender, she kinda scares me.
In the medical department, there was our Chief Nurse: CWO Kermit Trexler, Human male, 37, adaptable and mellow, brown eyes, fine blond hair, slender and fine boned. He’s a lot of fun, but so very very omnisexual. He takes great pleasure in trying to provoke emotional responses in me. Our Psychotherapist, Jenice Walinski, Breezy, Annoying. 33. Gray eyes, radiant complexion, fine light brown hair unstyled to her waist. Below average height, quite muscular. She is just annoying, constantly trying to get me to talk about my feelings. I am a Vulcan. I do not… have… Feelings. Our third Doctor, our Chief Surgeon in fact, is Doctor Rahl Ch’Sherorh, an Andorian male with a very stereotypical Andorian sense of superiority that meshes well with a stereotypical Surgeon’s sense of superiority. Neither Yue nor I can stand him. But he’s a good cutter.
But you’re not here for the run-down… you’re here for the adventure… so… next time.
Next: Episode One